UnNews:Emperor Ebola appoints czar

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Emperor Ebola appoints czar

Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

UnNews Logo Potato
Sunday, March 18, 2018, 02:13:59 (UTC)

F iconNewsroomAudio (staff)Foolitzer Prize

Feed-iconIndexesRandom story

20 October 2014

Ebola bumper sticker

One gets the sense that an election is imminent.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- President Barack Ebola, embarrassed in the past for golfing and fundraising too soon after decapitations and murders of Ambassadors, has confronted the Ebola epidemic head-on: by appointing a "czar" for the disease.

The nominee, Ron Klain, is a veteran Democratic Party backslapper who has dealt with countless outbreaks of scandal, devised "protocols" for corraling votes, and administered exodermal suction treatments of influential donors. He has been Chief of Staff to both Al Gore and Joe Biden, which should prepare him for any nonsense he is directed to utter.

UnNews Logo Potato
UnNews Senior Editors are currently inserting right-wing bias into this related article:

U.S. asks 132 passengers to step forward

As previously reported, CDC director Dr. Thomas Frieden shot his wad last week, asserting that Liberians without Ebola can take municipal buses, because Ebola cannot be caught from other passengers, but that Liberians with Ebola should not take buses, because it can.

Mr. Klain's experience should enable him to utter comparable inanities — while his complete lack of medical experience will keep him from getting bogged down in technical details such as the inconsistency of his statements.

President Ebola thanked Dr. Frieden for his service subordinating basic preventive medicine to the goal of supporting Liberian mass transit, as the President has subordinated national defense and border control to the goal of convincing young African American voters that the U.S. will apologize for slavery to nations that were unaffected by it.

In a related development, there is a contagious awareness that Muslims' tendency to caress corpses and then wash up in a shared, ceremonial bowl mandated by Sharia Law might be helping the spread of the disease as much as penny-pinching Republicans. President Ebola, who has "a pen and a phone," intends to respond to this contagion with a nationwide 21-day quarantine. This would free afflicted Americans to move around, one week after the mid-term elections.

The appointment of a "czar" would normally be the first step in giving the disease a Cabinet-level agency and perpetual, off-budget funding paid for with new taxes, so that bureaucrats can continue working after the disease has been re-eradicated, on their way to pensions on the public dime. Regarding the giddiness of a nation that reveres its Constitution when its leaders respond to a crisis by wielding apparently unlimited power, that disease was already in the end-stage.

edit Sources

Personal tools