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28 February 2010
LOS ANGELES, California -- Entertainment legends, already exhausted and bordering on ennui after expending all possible effort on musical performances for Haitian relief, announced today that they would delegate a cast of D-string musicians to produce an updated version of The Offspring's "Why Don't You Get a Job?" to provide relief for victims of the Chilean earthquake.
Notable performers include Nickelback, Creed, T-Pain, Fred Durst, William Hung, Michael Bolton, Insane Clown Posse, Kenny G, Vanilla Ice, MC Hammer, Steven Seagal, Lil Wayne, The Jonas Brothers, Justin Bieber, and - inexplicably - The Who.
"I am so pleased to announce this opportunity to not perform another charity song," said Jay-Z at a press conference yesterday afternoon. "After all the shit we had to go through every single day to rerecord songs and make public service announcements, I'd say it's the right time to give the people who really don't work a chance to do some of this menial, pointless labor."
Jay-Z says record produced Quincy Jones winced at the opportunity to record another song after the tepid reception of his twenty-fifth anniversary recording of "We Are the World." Jones did not believe he could tolerate "churning out another piece of ass like that again. So we just found the least offensive song in our catalog and give it to the interns. But even they refused and sent it to MC Hammer instead." Jones selected the song from a wide library, briefly considering a new version of System of a Down's "Chop Suey" and Prodigy's "Smack My Bitch Up."
Rod Stewart, another performer Jones selected, expects the song to be released too late to have an impact on relief efforts but soon enough that it will annoy people. Stewart suggested that the group may ask Janis Joplin the provide the powerful lead vocals they are currently missing.