UnNews:Emo kid elected President of the United States
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Emo kid elected President of the United States
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 17, 2017, 21:34:UTC)(
25 December 2006
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"The economy of this nation is, like, a black abyss," said Swanson in his inauguration speech. "In my diary I have outlined a fiscal budget that won't make the American public want to, like, slit their wrists. My tax cuts are totally rad," he reassured.
However, Swanson does have a healthy fear of his new position. "I'm really kind of insecure about this. I'm so nervous my heart is beating faster then that one time I made out with a guy at the Screamy Killers show. It's going stab-stab-stabbity-stab in my chest."
Some American critics have retaliated like the swift words of a flowing poem of rage. "What the fuck is this little shit doing in the Oval Office?" inquired South Carolina resident Robin Baum. "I saw that rascal make out with another boy one day, I swear to our lord Jesus H. Christ this kid is going to lead this country into the shitter."
But to the delight of supporters, Swanson's mood remains apathetic towards criticisms. "I'm strong. My soul won't be suffocated by their hatred," said Swanson stoicly. He also added that even if his entire cabinet slit their wrists because of the criticism, he wouldn't do anything more than dream about suicide.
According to political analyst Stephen Richards of Harvard, this appointment brings an uncertain future to the nation. "Swanson definitely seems to be leaning left, and it's nice to have a third party candidate take the presidency-even if he's from the Insecurats party. On the contrary, he may be too busy writing dark poetry to fully undertake the duties of running this country."
And Richards' predictions may already be coming true. Said Swanson after a press conference, "Now I know you want me to figure out the Iraq War, but there's this GREAT sale at Hot Topic that I have to get to. I hear they've got My Chemical Romance T-shirts!"