UnNews:Emmanuel Goldstein dies
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Emmanuel Goldstein dies
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 22, 2015, 22:47 (UTC)
2 May 2011
NEW LONDON, Oceania -- Factories closed early today as workers and proles flooded the streets celebrating the glorious news: Emmanuel Goldstein, head of the Brotherhood, enemy number one to the Oceanian way of life and chief opponent of Ingsoc, has been brought to justice. Goldstein is the late leader of the resistance and he orchestrated many of the terrorist attacks and other disturbances that have occurred on our holy soil over the course of history. In fact, there isn't much bad in Oceania that can't be blamed on Goldstein.
The Oceanian economy took a tremendous spike today as the factory workers inspired by the news stayed after hours to reach record outputs. The Inner Party is also looking to reallocate the nation's budget to quality of life improvements for our beloved citizens now that it is practical to divest resources away from counter-terrorism efforts and the Ministry of Peace. It is expected that luxuries such as chocolate rations will nearly double by the end of the year as we enter a new era of peace and prosperity.
Goldstein, a television star and host of the popular show Five Minute Hate, leaves a large void that needs to be filled, as far as
social engineering telescreen programming is concerned. While casting calls are made, citizens are encouraged to schedule a visit to the Ministry of Love headquarters so that they may visit Goldstein's body where it is being held in custody to express their hate. (Oops... they no longer have the body. But of course he is dead.)
As the Ministry of Truth scrambles to piece back together an entertainment industry devastated by the loss of one of its most popular programmes, the impact on morale can be felt across the nation. The Secretary of the Interior said in a speech today that razor rations will be reduced as the military gears up to pursue the remaining rebel threat, and chocolate rations will unfortunately be canceled next month as we refocus our priorities on maintaining the morale and integrity of our glorious nation.
The unperson Emmanuel Goldstein does not exist and has never existed. Oldthinkers who would dare propagate the falsehood of an unperson named Emmanuel Goldstein and the Brotherhood will be nominated by Miniluv for correction and adjustment. Big Brother is watching you. Long live the Party.