UnNews:Emigrant rally draws 3 people
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Emigrant rally draws 3 people
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 02:27:UTC)(
11 April 2006
(Tucson, AZ) While recent focus has been on the millions of immigrants rallying for their rights all across the nation, the country's hopeful emigrants want to ensure that their struggle is not ignored. Staging a rally at the Wal-Mart parking lot in Tucson, three protesters vowed to prevent Congress from passing any new emigration limits.
Leading the charge is electrician Arthur Jones. Accompanied by his wife and daughter at the rally, he held up a sign reading "No emigration quotas!" A State Department spokesman, however, claims that there are no limits to how many people can leave the United States per year. "If you don't like it here, feel free to leave... you freedom-hating commie!" the spokesman added.
But Jones and his kin are skeptical. "Sure," he says, "I could emigrate to Canada or Mexico if I wanted to, but certain countries are off limits. What if I want to go to Cuba, or North Korea?" The United States forbids travel to countries in the "Axis of Evil," and the "Axis of Communism," while California residents are additionally forbidden to travel to the "Axis of Girly-men" per the Governator's executive order.
While Wal-Mart shoppers passing by the rally made light of the protest, Jones' wife Martha was very serious about her rights. "My husband and I have been in this country for 43 years", the 43 year-old woman said, "we deserve to have the same rights as all the people who don't want to emigrate." New Mexico governor Bill Richardson was unaware of the emigration protesters, but expressed sympathy and assured that "They're welcome to go to Mexico whenever they want. I am sure some Mexicans will be more than willing to take their jobs."
But Jones is fearful of crossing the southern border, weary of the volunteer Minutemen patrolling them. "They would think we're immigrating, not emigrating, and might shoot us on sight," he claims. He is also worried about potential volunteers guarding the Mexican side of the border. "God knows they don't want anyone coming into their country to take advantage of cheap Coronas and cheap hookers in Tijuana."
Jones deemed his rally a success, saying that 50% more people showed up than he had expected. "I didn't think my daughter would come," he explained, "but her school basketball game got canceled and she had nothing better to do." The family plans to march in Washington D.C. next week, when they will be in the nation's capital to visit Martha's sister.