UnNews:Elvis flooded in Memphis
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Elvis flooded in Memphis
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 29, 2016, 20:31:UTC)(
10 May 2011
MEMPHIS, Tennessee -- The zombie of Elvis Presley, presumed to have died in 1977, has been flooded in the cellar in his home of Graceland, amidst the flooding of the Mississippi River and the flooding of Memphis after the breaking of the levies. Presley, now a ripe seventy-six, has resorted to eating the flesh of people who visit the tourist attraction of Graceland, does not have anyone to feast on, and thus is feeding on bricks. Former wife Priscilla and daughter Lisa Marie were just made aware of this after thirty-something years, and this is all that Lisa Marie had to say:
|“||Don't cry daddy, daddy please don't cry. I'm sorry, and so is mommy, that you can't feed on the flesh of little Tommy. Daddy, daddy, please kill again. Daddy, please shoot infidels again. Daddy, please don't cry.||”|
Memphis officials told everyone to evacuate the city, but those depraved morons like Elvis never listen. Graceland officials say that the underwater tours start next week, so Elvis can run on some more flesh. Memphis, which will be underwater for a while, will cease to be a moneymaker. Tennessee governor Bill Haslam said:
|“||I apologize for the inconvenience to the lovers of music town, and I wanna know why I should use state funds so that Elvis can feed off the citizens who desperately come to see this attraction just because they love crappy music and fattening burgers.||”|
We just can't go on with this story, with such suspicious minds.