UnNews:Eleven Killed on Boll Film Set
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20 August 2007
[OŚWIĘCIEM, POLAND] After a comment let out by stagehand Stefan Von Dertag, world renowned film director Uwe Boll went on a rampage today, punching in the heads of eleven random members of the crew, including his own mother. Boll, who was directing his developing German film Mengeles Liste, had no particular comments about the incident except that he was "slightly irritable" that particular evening after an incident with his cat. Police suggest that "nobody important was actually killed in this incident" maintaining that "we are doing a full investigation on the matter after a short break for donuts and coffee".
Uwe Boll's right hand, which was partially responsible in part with his counterpart, Uwe Boll's left hand, are currently under investigation for the incident. Traces of blood were found on the right knuckle, although this was later revealed to be the result of a papercut.
Some criticize that he is simply under investigation because of his poor movies. The German police have responded, saying that he was arrested "to preserve Germany's dignity".
Stefan, whom we interviewed shortly after his funeral, was silent about the issue, but his wife did clue in that legal action might be involved. He remains in critical yet dead condition lying several feet under the ground. The ten other families have said similar things about the incident, but declined to go into details, instead saying that they "hope that the others come to their senses, and quit their jobs with him". The other people on the staff, fearing for their lives, did not quit their jobs, but rather duct taped their mouths shut. "It looks rather silly" commented Uwe.
Mengeles Liste has gained much criticism from the public in Germany, mostly because Uwe Boll directed it. Uwe Boll has curbed these claims by saying "Fuck you, I'm a good director, and if you don't like my movies then I'm going to make more". Uwe's last movie, Postal was described as "two hours of flat jokes, and several minutes looking at a man scratching his balls". Uwe has claimed that he won't try to use these techniques again, rather relying on "Jews, Booze, and an overarching punchline". Even this has had its bit of controversy, but that's not stopping Boll from trying to piss everyone off. "What's the fun of making movies if you can't tick people off?" he later said.
Richard "Lowtax" Kyanka, owner of the website Something Awful.com would later say "My God I was lucky when I boxed this old fart!" after the incident, going on to say that "the left side of my face still hurts from that pain session". Uwe claims that this injury "was his own damned fault" and that he "will not apologize for injuring him".
Director Steven Spielberg would later applaud the incident saying that "critics should take it up the eye socket" saying that "ET wasn't that bad when I played it. Stop criticizing what I license!." Other directors would also come to his defense, including the spirit of Stanley Kubrick who stated in a press conference that "his movies aren't that bad" and "if you saw 2001, you'd see that there are movies out there that have worse scripts than his". Uwe has thanked them, stating "Thanks guys, but you're still dicks."