UnNews:Elevator etiquette lacking, says Dali Lama
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Elevator etiquette lacking, says Dali Lama
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, August 27, 2015, 17:21:UTC)(
5 September 2006
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KOALA LUMPY, Australia -- The holy holy man himself, revered Dali Lama, has been quoted recently in articles stating his disapointment for the lack of courtesy and control of bodily functions in elevators. "To reach enlightment, man must first possess the qualities of small chat while avoiding looking at the numbers in a shifty manner. It is only then that the US can reach a stable ground." What has gotten the Lama himself so upset? At 1:15 today in the GGU elevator, the tragedy began. A young man tried to communicate with a long time friend who's friendship had been broken and then mended. With a first attempt of salutation, the young girl ignored him, playing with her cellular phone. It is then that the two young students entered the elevator. With eyes cast in different areas and a resistance to continuing the conversation by the girl, the ride made the other passengers quite uncomfortable. Fake laughs and long periods of silence made the ride almost unbearable.
The Dali Lama has diagnosed this problem and has found that this is the root of evil of Americans. "If stingrays can attack a hunter of crocodiles, then why cannot polite elevator chat commence in an uncomfortable elevator ride?"
The solution according to D. Lama (no relation to P Diddy)? A horn that will signal whenever an unexcusable elevator action occurs (see: awkward silence, emission of gas, seeing an ex boyfriend or the new girl he's seeing, a person with bad body odor). This horn will signify to the rest of the world that they need to begin the Buddhist Dance of Ka-ka-lalacaca (loosely translated as the thong song). This dance shall be performed nude.
So what is the reaction from the rest of the world? Great Britain Prime Minister Tony Blair has issued a statement congratulating Mr. Lama for his brilliant statement and hopes to participate in the naked dance at the next tea luncheon. Ghandi has risen from the ashes to give his content and suggests that big arrows pointing to naked dancers genitilia also be added to make the dance of the elevator (the Ka-ka-lalacaca) more impactual.