UnNews:Electrocuting cats creates controversy in Arizona
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Electrocuting cats creates controversy in Arizona
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, February 12, 2016, 00:10:UTC)(
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24 November 2009
HALFSTAFF, Arizona -- Authorities from Halfstaff and the surrounding area converged on the Albert Badenhausen home today with an arrest warrant for the youngest child of the family. Mother, father and two brothers are being questioned in the matter of little Jillies sadistic presentation at her school science fair last weekend.
"This graphic suggestion of electrocuting kittens is as good as the act, in that said graphic can be construed to encourage others to perform said acts," says local Sheriff Andell Foley of Halfstaff, who must think he sounds like he's got a law degree.
The young perpetrator is unusually bright, and her family makes sure she wrings the most out of her secular education. She's currently enrolled as an eighth grader, five years ahead of others her age.
Tested at IQ 177, she learned to read before she could walk, and took a keen interest in the physical sciences by age 4. By age 6, her intellectual prowess far exceeded her bodys ability to keep up. Her father recalls, ""Her biggest frustration was trouble with manual dexterity, mostly writing. It's still hard to make out sometimes."
At age 8, most young girls are riding bikes, playing with dolls, and going to Church like good Christians. Jillie Badenhausen had no such childhood illusions to live by. Instead, her family taught to be scientifically curious to a fault.
Local Methodist minister Alan Sedant opines, "Like all atheists, the Badenhausens believe in science and evolution over the Bible, and probably took part in all sorts of witchcraft and Satanist rituals. It's certainly no surprise to we Godly folks that she was taught to be sadistic."