UnNews:Election landslide in US newsrooms

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3 November 2010

Electoral map

The results of the US 2010 election--most notably, to move the state of Alaska to where Mexico used to be.

WASHINGTON D.C. -- Tuesday's election has produced a landslide--of reporters and commentators claiming the American people don't know what the hell they're doing.

As in 1994, when the United States returned a result notoriously referred to as a tantrum, the mid-term election--in which the Republican Party picked up 6 Senators and at least 63 seats in the House of Representatives--produced a dramatic shift of column-inches, in favor of politics analysts who concluded that voters were stupid.

Commentator Margaret Carlson wrote that "Armies of unemployed inexplicably want taxes to stay low. Why don't they realize that higher taxes would give them more work?" The considered reason, according to the nation's unbiased news-gatherers after cold analysis, is that voters are Kool-Aid-drinking, tea-bagging, lockstep robots following daily marching orders of Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck despite a national malaise that is entirely the fault of George W. Bush. The voters cannot mean what they said and it is the duty of those remaining in Congress not to give it to them.

Fortunately, the Republicans are so expert at not delivering change that undelivered change became the rallying cry of President Barack Obama. Republicans, in their victory speeches, promised to return America to its traditions, again failing to deliver change. "We are going to back-slap, compromise, and spend just as much as before," promised Rep. John Boehner, the new Speaker of the House. "We will simply direct some of the loot to our guys."

However, before Rep. Boehner and the Republicans take over, tradition grants the Democrats one final chance for mischief, a "lame-duck" session that will entertain and amuse observers in newsrooms throughout the mass media.

The biggest election mystery of all is why, amid a stupefied America, voters remained so brilliant in insular Massachusetts, re-electing Governor Deval Patrick and the entirely Democratic Congressional delegation and even swatting down a cut in the sales tax. Most winners vowed swift action they will never deliver as the new legislative minority. "Wast night's unweasoning vitupewation wequiews emewgency cwisis wegiswation," said Wepwesentative Bawney Fwank, one of those we-ewected.

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