Election Aftermath: Hourly
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, September 1, 2015, 00:04:UTC)(
9 November 2012
UNNEWS HEADQUARTERS -- Blow-by-blow updates of the first 48 hours following the US election results of 2012. All times EST, approximate and/or wrong:
- 10:38 PM: Barack Obama declared winner of the presidential race by one or another of the breathless news channels.
- 10:39 PM: Left-wing riot preppers have nightcap, turn in. Right-wing riot preppers light molotov cocktails, burn things.
- 10:40 PM: Brian Williams is finally able to get up from his on-air desk and take a leak.
- 10:45 PM: First wave of jubilant/enraged tweets crests.
- 11:01 PM: Bag of Ralph Nader ballots from 2000 surfaces in Florida polling place.
- 11:17 PM: Republican presidential challenger Mitt Romney calls Obama to concede the race. The two men cry on the phone and swear that if they could do it all over again, they'd be friends.
- 11:45 PM: First wave of jubilant/enraged Facebook posts crests.
- 11:59 PM: Todd Akin goes to bed cursing 19th Amendment.
- 6:47 AM: Last two wonks on MySpace exchange terse words on differing opinions.
- 8:00 AM: Rush Limbaugh wakes up Inception-style into in-nightmare nightmare.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|