UnNews:Edward Snowden books airline passage to Guantanamo Bay
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Edward Snowden books airline passage to Guantanamo Bay
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 17:29:UTC)(
11 July 2013
Guantanamo Bay, CUBA -- A government official, who is in a high-ranking position to the NSA spoke with us on the condition of anonymity. This official stated that it is a certainty that wanted NSA-leaker Edward Snowden has booked airline passage to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.
"As of this morning, Edward Snowden completed booking his flight plan to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba when he clicked ``accept charges`` on the Orbitz website.", said an anonymous NSA-leaker who is NOT Edward Snowden.
Snowden's flight, Ruski Airlines flight 762, will leave Moscow around 7AM next Wednesday, and will pass through most of Europe before crossing the Atlantic ocean on its way to its destination in Bolivia. During its lengthy flight time over the Atlantic,
undercover NSA agents (who will infiltrate the plane in Moscow) completely benign US citizens who are very, very, very, vewy angwy at the target for being a traitor, will move in on the target.
The anonymous NSA-leaker that is not Edward Snowden explained the rest of the flight plan to us in detail: "The plan is simple: We're gonna put a bag over his head, strap him to an agent, force the plane to a lower altitude, and then skydive from the plane to a waiting aircraft carrier below. Heh. Heh. Heh," our source cackled.
Our source then continued, "From there, Snowden and his government escorts will board a small military plane which will transport them to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba where Mister Snowden will be welcomed with open arms. Heh. Heh. Heh."
As for Snowden himself? He says he is quite eager to start his awesome new life, and "can't wait to see what kinda accommodations he has waiting for him."
Our source did have one other thing to offer: Snowden's
last request choice of in-flight meal was steak and potatoes.
In the end, if any one thing is certain, it is this: No matter what kinda digs Snowden ends up with, there will be plenty of food to go around in Gitmo.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|