UnNews:Editorial - Government: "You can't get high"

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7 June 2007


Want this? Well too bad, because "You Can't Have It"(tm)

Washington, D.C. Want to get high? Want to dream while you're awake? Want to experience highs, lows, and middles that blow your mind? Well, tough because "You Can't Get High"(tm).

I've spent billions of dollars keeping you from getting high, and will spend billions more. I've also put lots of people in prison, all for the sake of keeping you from getting high. Sure, putting them in jail will cause them to take drugs, but they can get high. They're in prison. They don't count. It's not like they can do anything. Ah, the legal system. Such an infallible system.

Ahem, back on topic. Why can we not get high? I can just see you asking that question, rocking on the floor with your shirt off while yelling at the demons that exist only in your mind. Let that fly out of your mind with all thoughts of guilting me into changing my mind with your horrible withdrawl, let it go. Here's why you can't get high (tm).

I mean, yes, you can get drunk, nothing wrong with that. And smoke and drink coffee and tea as much as you want. Why are those things ok? Well, quite simply, because doing those things doesn't get you high. And like I've been saying, "You Can't Get High"(tm).

So what's so bad about getting high?

Stop thinking so freely. You must be high. I know because when you're high, we can't control you, and neither can the business community. And that will lead to the end of capitalism, which is the glorious foundation of our glorious nation of gloriousness.

And don't think about being an insubordinate. We have unleashed the full power of the Patriot Act and our right to national security on your case. Yes, yours. So have fun not getting high. Because you can't.

-The Government

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