UnNews:Economy needs more money says Cameron
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|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
23 January 2014
LONDON, United Kingdom -- David Cameron today announced that the secret behind boosting the UK economy lay in the financial concept of money. After four years in power, the Conservatives finally came to the conclusion that the economy will improve if people spend money. These findings, which were brought to light by HM Treasury, may well lead to dramatic new discussions about economics by MPs and George Osborne is likely to receive a knighthood.
"The key behind helping the economy is to stabilise it," said Mr. Cameron, his eyes wide with delight, "and we believe that this stabilisation needs to be addressed by this government. A sustained economic recovery must be one which balances the divide between 'north and south' by taking all the money that the Scottish owe the nation for Gordon Brown and giving it back to the MPs who deserve more second homes."
Economists backed up Mr. Cameron by agreeing that when a person has some money, he can spend it on necessities and have a better quality of life. Economists themselves have done this by becoming highly-paid managers in banks and making good friends with the politicians, so that when their lax policies create a financial meltdown they still get a big pension rather than a fine.
Ed Miliband, the leader of the opposition, decided to oppose Cameron's views, saying, "Of course the economy is not run on money. This is a strange view that only the out-of-touch Tory government still believes. We and the rest of the British public, who will vote for us in the next election, know that the economy runs on chocolate mousse and that what is needed to solve the present economic situation is for more chocolate to be produced by hard-working Northern labourers in their trade unions."
Cameron backed up his theory that economics is about money by claiming that the UK attracts considerable financial interest every year from the surprise arrival of millions of highly trained investment bankers who have immigrated from Syria after getting a degree at the University of Damascus.
"It took a while for the Syrians to hear about our great economic powerhouse but once they did they noticed that all the financial expertise they coincidently had could travel to the UK to help stimulate our economy. Some are even children!" reported William Hague the Foreign Secretary. Boris Johnson agreed that the Syrian financial advisers should be let into the country, a move which he said would be, "Our moral obligation so that even the poor people can share the profit gained."
The Prime Minister faces a multitude of problems in Britain's economic troubles including a cheap scam set up by a construction company, which forms part of one of Britain's prominent building societies, that is building houses made from bubbles of soapy water. The so-called "housing" bubble could damage the economy further and prevent the UK's financial recovery.
- "Cameron: UK's economic recovery will need 'patience'". BBC News, January 23, 2014
- "Syria crisis: UK must take Syrian refugees - Boris Johnson". BBC News, January 23, 2014