UnNews:Eating Dole apples rears healthier children
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Eating Dole apples rears healthier children
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, February 20, 2017, 18:20:UTC)(
21 May 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
ABERDEEN, Scotland, UK - A new study by the University of Aberdeen revealed that women who ate 4 or more apples a day during pregnancy gave birth to healthier children. "This only works, though, if they're Dole brand apples." Says smiling, friendly, independent researcher Dr. David McCullough. McCullough, who insists that you call him, "Doctor Dave", says that only Dole apples have the crisp, refreshing, gosh-darn apple goodness that your baby needs.
"These other apples all think they're on par, but that's just not true!" Says Smilin' Dave. "Now, Dole's apples... those are some apples I can really sink my teeth into!"
A friend who happened to be with him at the time, and was definitely not a paid actor, agreed. "Yes, Dave!" he told UnNews, "These are, without a doubt, the best apples I have ever tasted. I would recommend these to my family, and my friends, and, well, just about any gosh-darn person I might run into. These really are some fantastic apples!"
Dave once again concurred, adding, "You know, at such an affordable price, I don't know why anyone wouldn't buy fresh, delicious Dole apples! They are, undoubtedly, the best in the world!"
His friend broke in. "Dave. My wife and I both had asthma troubles as kids. Is there any way we can prevent our son she is currently pregnant with from having the same debilitating health problems?"
"I'm so glad you asked." says Dr. Dave. "It just so happens that Dole-brand apples can relieve your child's medical conditions! Just tell your wife to eat four or more of our delicious apples per day while she's pregnant. In fact, did you know that eating Dole apples while pregnant can reduce your child's risk of not only contracting asthma, but also his risk for contracting glaucoma, eczema, lung disease, sickle-cell anemia, and even, in some cases, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome?"
"Wow, Dave! I did not know that at all!" exclaims Dave's friend, who's name was not given throughout the
informercial interview. "I will definitely run home and tell my wife this exciting news! But what about other brand-name apples? Do they have the same effect?"
"Gee whillikers, Dave! I sure don't want my kid to contract herpes, simply by eating the wrong brand of apples!" remarks his friend. "But, what will I do if I can't get any scrumptious Dole brand-name apples in my area?"
"Well, I think that's impossible!" says Dave. "In fact, you can't go anywhere without finding the trusty Dole brand label on at least one bag of apples at your local grocery store! If that isn't a darn-tootin' testament to Dole's reliability, I don't know what is!"
"Well, thanks Dave." says his friend. "You sure have given me some... food for thought!"
The two men then shared an uproarious and heartfelt laugh.
- Dole. Do it. Now. "Seriously now, eat Dole, or I'll kill your family!". Dole, May 20,2007