UnNews:Easter bunny crucified
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Easter bunny crucified
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, July 29, 2016, 19:48:UTC)(
6 April 2007
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Humping as the government is run by big corporations like Cadburys and Holiday Tobacco, every plan to arrest the Easter Bunny was turned down over many centuries, dating back to 1309. According to a Cadbury spokesperson, "too much profit was going into [Cadbury's] easter egg line, and [they] could not let production cease." However, a turn of fate caused the many churches of the world to protest against the corporations, and due to the crowd outnumbering the corporations and chanting "Crucify it!", they had no choice but to nail the Easter Bunny to the cross.
"I was always sure that my people [the corporations] would always cover me, and I would make them lots of money," said the Easter Bunny, after the final decision was held. "But however, news of obesity and blasphemy have spread too far, and now I'm absolutely screwed." The Easter Bunny's lawyer was unable to defend his case, as it was decided by the big corporations that the crucifixion would go ahead.
Not long after the final decision, a crown of electrified barbed wire was attached to the Bunny's head, and he was tasered and infra-sound-blasted. A few minutes before the Pagan icon dropped dead due to loss of blood, he gasped: "I never knew getting nailed was this painful. I never knew."
UPDATE: In what could be considered M. Night Shyamalan's best twist yet, the Easter Bunny was poked in the stomach after death and Cadbury Eggs gushed from the wound. This means, of course, we were wrong about the Easter Bunny. Or really right.
Breaking News: It has emerged that the Easter Bunny has come back to many believers, in the form of a spirit commanding them not to betray him and continue his tradition of obesity and blashphemy. Marches all over the world have been held with chants of 'Oh Chocolaty One' and 'Let Obesity reign'.