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16 April 2006
Easter Island, Pacific Ocean -- The Easter Bunny, the defining symbol of Christianity, celebrated his 1976th birthday amid much fanfare today. The Bunny was born in 30 A.D., precisely three days after Jesus' crucifixion. The Biblical gospels recount the story, in which Christ's disciples came to visit his tomb, but were quite surprised at what had transpired.
"In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first day of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre. And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the Easter Bunny of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it. His countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow: And for fear of him the keepers did shake, and became as dead men. And the Bunny answered and said unto the women, Fear not ye: for I know that ye seek Jesus, which was crucified. He is not here: for he is risen, as he said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay. And go quickly, and tell his disciples that he is risen from the dead; and, behold, I shall replace him: lo, bring me eggs aplenty. And they departed quickly from the sepulchre with fear and great joy; and did run to bring his disciples word, and to bring him eggs also." (Matthew 28:1-8, King James Version).
And ever since that day, the Easter Bunny emerges from his lair once a year to seek his share of eggs. "His appetite is voracious, " comments protestant minister John Merfield. Workers spend months preparing mountains of eggs for the beast. The Bunny prefers the shells to be decorated with fancy designs. It is the one time of year when all sects of Christianity - from Catholic, to Mormon, to Pat Robertson, come together to satisfy the whims of the Easter Bunny. A giant cake, containing eggs instead of candles, is baked at St. Peter's square in Rome.
The Easter Bunny is often joined by his family - sons Bugs Bunny and Roger Rabbit. Roger was emboriled in a scandal in the 1980s after being accused of murder; but he was eventually cleared of all charges. It is unclear which of the two sons will replace the Easter Bunny once the elder animal passes away. His veterinarian assures the public though that, "The Bunny is in stellar health, and will be here to celebrate at least another thousand birthdays."
At the conclusion of today's celebrations, the Easter Bunny is expected to retreat back to his frigid North Pole lair. There, he reportedly supervises Santa Clause's elves at their toy factory. He alsorecently emerged to star in the movie "Donnie Darko." Many candy & sweets companies see a boom during Easter, as parents often give chocolate to their kids for the occassion. But the church deplores this "commercialization of the Easter Bunny's birthday," with the Pope reminding everyone today of the real symbol of Easter: eggs.
Non-Christians celebrated Winnie the Pooh's birthday today, and we here at UnNews want to wish all our readers a happy holiday!