UnNews:Earthquake weapon test takes heat off Libya
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Earthquake weapon test takes heat off Libya
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 19:14:UTC)(
16 March 2011
LOS ANGELES, California -- An advanced earthquake and tsunami weapon was successfully tested by an unknown nation off the coast of Japan on March 11, resulting in massive damage, loss of life, and an onslaught of media personnel. The test also had the side-effect of damaging several atomic reactors in the area, setting off a number of simultaneous meltdowns which are either beyond human control or worth the price of admission.
Meanwhile, two hundred miles to the east in Libya, strongman Moammar Gadhafi is thanking his lucky stars and his ten wives that the successful test has diverted the world’s attention from the civil war raging between Libya, al Qaeda, and what Gadhafi calls "drugged up teenagers". “Really, the test which caused the damage was unexpected - wink wink, nudge nudge - but, for us, it is heaven sent.” the hawkish leader-for-ever told CNN. Qadhafi laughed as he denied any knowledge of the test.
For the people of Japan the test was catastrophic. “Why were we not warned of the impending earthquake weapon test? We could have been better prepared for utter destruction!” lamented the island nation's Prime Minister, Naoto Kan. “Really, this is not polite. We don’t even know who tested the new WMD. We have no idea what country to blame.”
Through a spokesperson the Kremlin issued its mandatory one-word official denial of any such test, "Nyet". But anti-elitist demigod and internet personality Alex Jones, on his hourly prisonplanet.com broadcast, was uncharacteristically suspicious. "The Russian denial was issued several hours before the test was even conducted," Jones said, “I suspect it is Russia behind this test, though there is no way besides torture to extract a confession! But that is not the real true truthely truth! We all! know that it was really the global power elite! the creators, owners, and banktellers of the Federal Reserve, the self-proclaimed Simon Legree-like masters of the New! World Order, who rule! the military industrial complex. They surely funded and ordered someone to perform this test! Prove me wrong, listeners, prove me wrong!”
Ben Bernanke, the chairman of the U.S. Federal Reserve - and the power in front of and behind the throne - was quick to issue a denial of Fed involvement in the weapons test. "Nyet" he said in a carefully worded statement. But Bernanke also heaped fatherly praise on the success of the test. “The shear efficancy of the new weapon is staggering! My chest swells with pride,” Bernanke said. “As tests go I’d have to give this one a double thumbs up! Score!”
Illuminati President Barack Obama seemed to back the Russian denial when he, reading off a telepromter, told a crowded news conference that “The USA is first in technology and weaponry. After spending all that money on research we’re not about to let Russia get all the credit. Nyet! But I have to say for the record that we don’t know who is responsible for the earthquake weapon.” Obama then smiled wide, showing all his teeth, and announced that “Our hearts go out to the Japanese people. Whatever that means."
Obama concluded the press conference by taking dozens of questions about his bracket selections for the upcoming March Madness basketball tournament as the Japanese reporters in the room sadly looked on, politely enquiring of the other reporters "What is bas-ke ball?"
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|