UnNews:Earth once full of life
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Earth once full of life
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 11:52 (UTC)
25 August 5008
Barren Wastes, Earth- Earth, a dusty rock on the outskirts of the galaxy, has been found to once been teeming with life. Early excavations show that Earth may also have housed a self-aware lifeform, long since extinguished.
"I wouldn't have believed it even if Zaranakh himself told me," says Head Earth Mining Engineer Khitawa Charaxuwu. "And to think, a thousand years ago, weird, two-legged beings with only one head wandered this rocky outcrop we now call 'Las Ongelesi Major'."
The geologic survey now underway shows that, as recent as one thousand Earth years ago, the planet had an ocean that stretched its entire length, and an atmosphere capable of sustaining life.
"This is a very important discovery," announced Head Scientist Nuralu Xithahjaduu, "for it shows that we are not alone in the universe. Praise Zaranakh, who, in his infinite wisdom, chose natural selection as the best way to create the universe in His-slash-Her image!" Xithahjaduu spoke on Wednezay at the Science Core on Nuuram Mata to a crowd of two million (not including children).
The most astounding discovery on Earth was the excavation at Las Ongelesi Major. Broken structures, hundreds of feet tall, lay buried in sand nearly as high.
Archeologist Chiire Jazhiraa reconstructed the average day for a self-aware lifeform on Earth thousands of years ago from ancient writings found within the dig sites: "The average human, having a brain only a quarter of the size of ours, would have lived each day in confusion. These squishy beings, weak in moral character, apparently divided up their population into 'the rich' and 'the poor', 'the black' and 'the white': some living in luxury while others starved, and some are black while others are white (most of them). The wealthiest nation on this planet, however, was not even organized enough to solve the apparent hunger and weather crises that lead to their downfall."
According to recent findings, events that occurred thousands of years ago coupled with global climate change, doomed the young self-aware species before it even knew what was happening. Other animals of note on Earth include the "acacea bush" and the "dust moth", both of which could fly and produce flowering spores on a seasonal basis. Another major discovery suggests that UnNews, the galactic news channel we all know and love, may have originated on this barren wasteland, but this is heavily disputed by a group of another alien race, the Jaarnads.
The dig sites on Earth are now being converted into mines, and the dig site bones into resources needed to power our fleet. Praise Zaranakh and fossil-fuel powered space travel!