UnNews:Earth declares war on, attacks Moon
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Earth declares war on, attacks Moon
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 1, 2015, 06:22:UTC)(
3 September 2006
JUPITER TOWNSHIP, New Jersey (A&P) -- President Bush gave a historic speech at a press conference today, praising the efforts of his European allies in routing Islamic terrorists believed to have entrenched themselves in a new base on the Moon, based upon indisputable satellite and telescope photos. This evidence will not be released to the public out of "concern for our National security".
Although a declaration of war is yet forthcoming, Bush got so excited he couldn't control himself (nor his bowels), andlaunched one of the "cool death rockets" at the proposed target on the Moon. A decisive hit was made on one of the Moon's evil eyes, believed to be the source of the terrorists' evil Islam powers over the world, and paving the way for the return of Jesus to the worldly domain, accompanied by the angelic hosts welcoming the population of all the faithful red states into divine grace in the presence of the Lord, while comdemning the sinful blue states to an infinity spent at an enormous Denny's large enough to contain the entire planet.
"These terrorists are obtuse," said Bush, explaining his unusual actions. "First they trick us into starting a Iraqi war that has proven to be dangerously unpopular and a severe threat to the Republican Party . . . err, I mean irreplacable American lives, using their sinister phantom weapons of mass destruction, and now they're threatening the Moon, which in turn threatens the Earth... or at least the US and Great Britain. While I know Americans are usually not too interested in foreign affairs, I've been informed by my advisors that the Earth, in fact, actually includes the United States as part of it, so we should be on board with this."
President Bush then showed an abridged video tape which was cleared for national security release, since it was not politically damaging to the Republican party. It shows Osama Bin Laden and his deputies laughing about tricking America into attacking Iraq, and celebrating the success of their "let's make believe there are WMDs in Iraq, that will trick the stupid Americans into starting an unnecessary, destabilizing, multi-billion dollar war there" plan. The videotape clearly shows that the men appear to be on the Moon, since they keep saying things like, "when are we going to get out of here? Setting up a base on the Moon was really stupid and this place sucks balls" and "Did you get a load of that stupid car the Americans left over that next hill behind us? I nearly died laughing at the thought of how much money they spent to send that worthless, ancient piece of shit up here."
When a reporter posed a question which suggested that the footage appeared identical to a previously released Bin Laden tape, Bush accused him of being one of the terrorists since, "'if you aren't with us, you're with them."' He then had the reporter deported to Guantamano Bay to be sexually abused by the over-priced Halliburton contractors.
Not suprisingly, there were no further questions.
Bush said he would advise Congress to declare war on the Moon immediately, but if they didn't, he'd just continue the war anyway, since "It clearly says in the Constitution that Presidents can do whatever they want with the military, including all that dorky outer space shit, regardless of what Congress or anyone else's opinion is."