UnNews:Earth declares war on, attacks Moon

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{{date|3 September 2006}}
 
{{date|3 September 2006}}
   
Jupiter Township, [[New Jersey]] (A&P) -- President [[Dubya|Bush]] gave a historic speech at a press conference today, praising the efforts of his [[European]] allies in routing [[Cobra|Islamic]] terrorists believed to have entrenched themselves in a new base on the Moon, based upon indisputable (but reportedly a bit blurry due to some sort of terrorist "blurring ray of evil") satellite and telescope photos, which have not been released due to "''national security concerns''".
 
   
Despite war not actually being declared yet, Bush got too excited and launched one of the "''cool death rockets''" prematurely. A decisive hit was made on one of the Moon's evil eyes, believed to be the source of the terrorists' evil Islam powers over the world, and paving the way for the return of Jesus to the worldly domain, accompanied by the angelic host welcoming the population of all the faithful red states into divine grace in the presence of the Lord, while comdemning the sinful blue states to an infinity spent at an enormous [[Denny's]] large enough to contain the entire planet.
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[[Image:Thamoon.JPG|thumb|Take that, Lunar-based Fundamentalist [[Islamic]] Jihadist [[bastard]] terrorists!]]
   
[[Image:Thamoon.JPG|thumb|Take that, moon terrorists!]]
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'''JUPITER TOWNSHIP, New Jersey''' (A&P) -- President [[Dubya|Bush]] gave a historic speech at a press conference today, praising the efforts of his [[European]] allies in routing [[Cobra|Islamic]] terrorists believed to have entrenched themselves in a new base on the Moon, based upon indisputable [[satellite]] and telescope photos. This evidence will not be released to the public out of "''concern for our National security''".
   
"''These terrorists are tricky,''" said Bush, explaining his unusual actions. "''First they trick us into starting a Iraq war that has proven to be dangerously unpopular and a severe threat to the Republican party . . . err, I mean '''irreplacable American lives''', using their sinister phantom weapons of mass destruction, and now they're threatening the Moon, and all of the Earth. While I know Americans are usually not too interested in foreign affairs, I've been informed by my advisors that the Earth, in fact, actually includes the United States as part of it, so we should be on board with this.''"
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Although a declaration of war is yet forthcoming, Bush got so excited he couldn't control himself (nor his bowels), andlaunched one of the "''cool death rockets''" at the proposed target on the Moon. A decisive hit was made on one of the Moon's evil eyes, believed to be the source of the terrorists' evil [[Islam]] powers over the [[world]], and paving the way for the return of [[Jesus]] to the worldly domain, accompanied by the [[angel]]ic hosts welcoming the population of all the faithful [[red]] states into divine grace in the presence of the [[Lord]], while comdemning the sinful [[blue]] states to an infinity spent at an enormous [[Denny's]] large enough to contain the entire [[planet]].
   
President Bush then showed an abridged video tape (which was cleared for national security release, since it was not politically damaging to the Republican party) showing Osama Bin Laden and his deputies laughing about tricking America into attacking Iraq, and celebrating the success of their "let's make believe there are weapons in Iraq, that will trick the stupid Americans into starting an unnecessary destabilizing, multi-billion dollar war there" plan. The videotape clearly shows that the men appear to be on the Moon, since they keep saying things like "when are we going to get out of here? Setting up a base on the Moon was really stupid and this place sucks balls" and "Did you get a load of that stupid car the Americans left over that next hill behind us? I nearly died laughing at the thought of how much money they spent to send that worthless piece of ancient shit up here."
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"''These [[terrorists]] are obtuse,''" said Bush, explaining his unusual actions. "''First they trick us into starting a [[Iraq]]i war that has proven to be dangerously unpopular and a severe threat to the [[Republican Party]] . . . err, I mean '''irreplacable American lives''', using their sinister phantom [[weapons of mass destruction]], and now they're threatening the Moon, which in turn threatens the Earth... or at least the US and [[Great Britain]]. While I know [[Americans]] are usually not too interested in foreign affairs, I've been informed by my advisors that the [[Earth]], in fact, actually includes the [[United States]] as part of it, so [[we]] should be on board with this.''"
   
When asked a question that suggested that the tape appeared to be the same footage as a previously released Bin Laden tape showing him and his associates celebrating another of their terrorist attacks, Bush accused the reporter of being one of the terrorists since "if you aren't with us, you're with them." He then had the reporter deported to Guantamano to be sexually abused by the U.S. Military.
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[[President Bush]] then showed an abridged [[video]] tape which ''was'' cleared for national [[security]] release, since it was not politically damaging to the [[Republican]] party. It shows [[Osama Bin Laden]] and his deputies laughing about tricking America into attacking Iraq, and celebrating the success of their ''"let's make believe there are [[WMD]]s in Iraq, that will trick the stupid Americans into starting an unnecessary, destabilizing, multi-billion dollar war there"'' plan. The [[videotape]] clearly shows that the men appear to be on the [[Moon]], since they keep saying things like, ''"when are we going to get out of here? Setting up a base on the Moon was really stupid and this place sucks balls"'' and ''"Did you get a [[load]] of that stupid car the Americans left over that next hill behind us? I nearly died laughing at the thought of how much [[money]] they spent to send that worthless, ancient piece of shit up here."''
   
Not suprisingly, no further questions were asked.
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When a reporter posed a question which suggested that the [[foot]]age appeared identical to a previously released '''Bin Laden''' tape, Bush accused him of being one of the terrorists since, "'if you aren't with us, you're with them."' He then had the reporter deported to [[Disneyland| Guantamano Bay]] to be sexually abused by the over-priced [[Halliburton]] contractors.
   
Bush said he would advise congress to declare war on the Moon immediately, but if they didn't, he'd just continue the war anyway, since "''It clearly says in the Constitution that presidents can do whatever they want with the military, including all that dorky outer space shit, regardless of what Congress or anyone else's opinion is.''"
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Not suprisingly, there were no further questions.
   
Bush went on to say that if the terrorist moon base, of which there was even more indisputable evidence in addition to the videotape, that he was not at liberty to show the world because of "''political -- er, I mean '''national''' security issues,''" proves to be another deception of the terrorists, like the way the terrorists tricked us into attacking Iraq over their ghost weapons of mass destruction, then at least the billions of dollars and countless american lives lost would be justified by the historic prospect of "bringing democracy to the Moon."
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Bush said he would advise [[Congress]] to declare [[war]] on the Moon immediately, but if they didn't, he'd just continue the war anyway, since "''It clearly says in the [[Constitution]] that [[Presidents]] can do whatever they want with the [[military]], including all that [[dork]]y outer space [[shit]], regardless of what Congress or [[anyone]] else's opinion is.''"
   
 
== Sources ==
 
== Sources ==

Revision as of 20:51, September 3, 2006

This article is part of UnNews UnNews Logo Potato1 Where man always bites dog

3 September 2006


Thamoon

Take that, Lunar-based Fundamentalist Islamic Jihadist bastard terrorists!

JUPITER TOWNSHIP, New Jersey (A&P) -- President Bush gave a historic speech at a press conference today, praising the efforts of his European allies in routing Islamic terrorists believed to have entrenched themselves in a new base on the Moon, based upon indisputable satellite and telescope photos. This evidence will not be released to the public out of "concern for our National security".

Although a declaration of war is yet forthcoming, Bush got so excited he couldn't control himself (nor his bowels), andlaunched one of the "cool death rockets" at the proposed target on the Moon. A decisive hit was made on one of the Moon's evil eyes, believed to be the source of the terrorists' evil Islam powers over the world, and paving the way for the return of Jesus to the worldly domain, accompanied by the angelic hosts welcoming the population of all the faithful red states into divine grace in the presence of the Lord, while comdemning the sinful blue states to an infinity spent at an enormous Denny's large enough to contain the entire planet.

"These terrorists are obtuse," said Bush, explaining his unusual actions. "First they trick us into starting a Iraqi war that has proven to be dangerously unpopular and a severe threat to the Republican Party . . . err, I mean irreplacable American lives, using their sinister phantom weapons of mass destruction, and now they're threatening the Moon, which in turn threatens the Earth... or at least the US and Great Britain. While I know Americans are usually not too interested in foreign affairs, I've been informed by my advisors that the Earth, in fact, actually includes the United States as part of it, so we should be on board with this."

President Bush then showed an abridged video tape which was cleared for national security release, since it was not politically damaging to the Republican party. It shows Osama Bin Laden and his deputies laughing about tricking America into attacking Iraq, and celebrating the success of their "let's make believe there are WMDs in Iraq, that will trick the stupid Americans into starting an unnecessary, destabilizing, multi-billion dollar war there" plan. The videotape clearly shows that the men appear to be on the Moon, since they keep saying things like, "when are we going to get out of here? Setting up a base on the Moon was really stupid and this place sucks balls" and "Did you get a load of that stupid car the Americans left over that next hill behind us? I nearly died laughing at the thought of how much money they spent to send that worthless, ancient piece of shit up here."

When a reporter posed a question which suggested that the footage appeared identical to a previously released Bin Laden tape, Bush accused him of being one of the terrorists since, "'if you aren't with us, you're with them."' He then had the reporter deported to Guantamano Bay to be sexually abused by the over-priced Halliburton contractors.

Not suprisingly, there were no further questions.

Bush said he would advise Congress to declare war on the Moon immediately, but if they didn't, he'd just continue the war anyway, since "It clearly says in the Constitution that Presidents can do whatever they want with the military, including all that dorky outer space shit, regardless of what Congress or anyone else's opinion is."

Sources

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