UnNews:Earth Invaded, Aliens Want Rice Cakes
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Earth Invaded, Aliens Want Rice Cakes
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 30, 2016, 01:37:UTC)(
25 April 2006
Dissociated Press: Washington officials say that Aliens have invaded Earth, and are pushing up from Mexico. In a press release, President George Bush stated, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. Oh wait, wrong speech. Ah-hem! The aliens are here for a peaceful exchange of rice cakes. They demand rice cakes, or else they'll, and I quote, 'Nuke you motherf*ckers straight to Glaxnar.' End quote."
Quakers all over the United States are volunteering to bake more delicious rice cakes to meet the aliens' need. The flavors being made are plain and cinnamon. Once getting approximately 1,000,000 rice cakes, the aliens will take off and return when they run out, which experts predict is 3-5 years. The FDA has already started a "Rice Cake Reserve Program", called the RCRP, to prepare for this next extraterrestrial visit. You can prepare for this by voluntarily adding rice cakes to the national reserve, which in a silo in South Dakota. Once the goal of a million rice cakes is reached, the national threat level will go down to green and citizens can resume their daily lives. The aliens apparently have "Either a fetish for rice cakes, or they just really like them", said a leading ufologist from MIT. "I believe it's the latter."
British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has disapproved of the measures stating that "The British government has never given into terrorism, why should America choose the easy way out?" When it was pointed out to him that this makes no sense whatsoever, he responded "Shut up, Human Scum" before beaming himself back to the Labour Party HQ on Scaro.