UnNews:Earth "too badass" for future alien invasion
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Earth "too badass" for future alien invasion
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, July 4, 2015, 17:52:UTC)(
31 March 2009
This was the main focus of a report released by the Coalition of Alien Governments. Apparently, the aliens that live far outside our galaxy are fed up with constantly attacking Earth - almost exterminating mankind - then getting their asses kicked by some extreme badass. The report came as a surprise to world leaders just as Earth Hour 60 comes to an end. But it would explain why this once a year event - where the Earth was totally dark and, as a result, vulnerable to alien attack - went by without a hitch.
World leaders are taking the report with a pinch of salt. According to experts at NASA, the reason for this is that the aliens are always looking for new ways to attack the Earth. It could just be another way for them to take us by surprise. Some people, however, are not so calm: newly elected president Barack Obama has expressed concern regarding this change. As it turns out, America's economy is heavily dependent on the occasional alien invasion, which are used as an excuse for the demolition of entire cities, and population control. Without the invasions, America will have to rely on more crude forms of apocalypse such as robotic takeovers and terrorist nuclear attacks. Several other concerns have also arisen, such as what will become of the extreme badasses who are destined to save the Earth. According to leading scientists, with whom UnNews has been in contact, the badasses will slowly but surely turn into homicidal maniacs who will wage war upon mankind until their death.
Other countries are not so concerned with the report. Britain's prime minister has released a statement in which he urges his people not to be concerned. Britain has had very few alien invasions over the decades and relies more on the trusted zombie epidemic.