UnNews:EU elections divide Europe
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EU elections divide Europe
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 21:42:UTC)(
27 May 2014
BRUSSELS, Belgium -- One hundred years after the First World War, the EU Parliamentary elections have divided Europe into two, pitting the countries with far-right, nationalist parties (Britain, France, Denmark and Hungary) against countries with far-left, socialist parties (Spain, Portugal, Greece and Ireland).
An immediate consequence is that nearly every country is fed up with the EU's blatant bias, as it crowned that bearded Austrian woman the champion of the Eurovision song contest — except Belgium, who still love being the centre of attention in Europe; and Germany, who love the idea of a united Europe administered by German politicians.
In France, the French people showed their hatred of the lack of sex behind Hollande's disloyal love affair by giving a plurality to the French National Front Party. Their leader, Marine Le Pen, said after the election, "We've come a long way from our start as an actually racist party. Since then, I have spent a lot of effort censoring out our founder's views from the party and it's really paid off." One of the party's policies is to finally get around to invading Britain. This, luckily, made it easy for voters to ignore many of their other policies.
In Britain, UKIP topped the polls despite the efforts of many left-wingers to make UKIP look xenophobic in the public light. "Let me assure you that — and the public have verified this, black people voted for me — we are not an extremist party, we do not hate people of other races, we only want to put forward realistic problems to solve the economy. I wish for the people of Britain to consider our important policies such as painting trains traditional colours, sending a pub into space, and using taxpayers' money properly to bribe the referee at this year's World Cup instead of any of our anti-immigration policies we mentioned, which really were just to fill up the blank space on the manifesto," said Nigel Farage, as he attempted to smoke a pipe while downing a pint at the same time, just to look even more British.
Spain, Greece, and Portugal — countries hit hard by the Eurovision Crisis — voted heavily for social democratic parties, for higher taxes on their rich, unfortunately failing to realize there were no more rich people left to tax.
In the EU Parliament itself, the European People's Party and the Socialists and Democrats Party retain majorities, coming first and second. These parties simply used the tactics of, "My, isn't Russia looking big today" and, "Before the EU, people fell off ladders everywhere and everyone ate badly shaped apples" to keep their top spots.
Slovakia bucked these trends, as only 13% of the population turned up to vote, claiming, "When you are Slovakian you are used to being pushed and shoved about by all the big countries around you. What the hell can we do to influence the EU? We just grow the food."