UnNews:EU continues to defy Microsoft, use Firefox
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20 April 2006
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(Redmond, WA) Continuing to stand behind past decisions, the EU today announced that Microsoft (NASDAQ: MSFT) is still in violation of antitrust laws, abusing its monopoly in the operating system market. Apparently vital to this decision was the announcement of the Redmond, WA-based company's latest addition to Windows Vista's features, this one currently codenamed "MyOneBrowser".
"It's actually an exciting new feat of security engineering from Microsoft Research," Microsoft Research Security Engineering head Ray MyLastName said. "By restricting users to a single web browser — that is, ours — by blocking harmful words such as 'Mozilla', 'Opera', and 'Firefox', we can ensure that we know exactly what security holes are being exploited at all times and fix them at our blistering pace of every other Tuesday. I can't see why the EU, via its decision, has declared its hatred of internet security so blatantly."
When asked how Microsoft would learn about these security holes given that such data is generally not sent in the case of a security violation, Ray began to describe MyBrotherlyLove, "an exciting new feat of security engineering from Microsoft Research which will report wholly anonymous data of every keystroke the user types, as well as occasional screenshots, back to Microsoft Research. With this, we can figure out how these bugs are being exploited, because right now, we don't have a damned idea what's going on."
"Sure, some stupid opera fanatics will whine," Microsoft MyCEO Bill Gates stated regarding MyOneBrowser upon hearing of the EU's decision. "But really, who cares about them and their stupid song-and-dance routines or whatever it is they watch? I think it's a small price to pay for internet security controlled by a name the people trust. Just watch, next the EU will be on our asses about Microsoft MyThoughts. Stupid frogs."
Some Microsoft representatives remain optimistic, however. Microsoft MyPresident Steve Ballmer claims to have developed a backup plan for just such an occasion, though profanity and decency laws prevent this news outlet from relaying said plan.
MyLastName was unconvinced. "At this rate, things are looking bad for the MyDemocracy project, an exciting new feat of patriotism and security engineering from Microsoft Research which automatically blocks websites with dangerous Communist phrases such as 'Linux', 'Open', 'BSD', 'Stable', 'Free', and 'Chomsky'. I fear for the future of our internet — I mean, everybody's internet, of course — if this ruling stands."
Leading computational language theory experts were uncertain why the Chomsky Normalized Form would fall under this project's range.
In related news, IKEA is planning a lawsuit against Microsoft as the name Windows Vista allegedly infringes their "Vista" range of windows.