UnNews:EON Productions defends controversial casting of eleven year old girl as James Bond
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EON Productions defends controversial casting of eleven year old girl as James Bond
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 12:28:UTC)(
28 November 2006
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HOLLYWOODLAND, USSR -- In the wake of the release of the new film, BondFace I: for Inge, EON Productions unexpectedly found itself having to defend its taking the James Bond franchise in a new direction, gender-based existential criticism from a Marxist-Leninist bioqueer perspective. Some Bond fans complained that this represented an ideological shift from the traditional Trotskyist bent of the previous entries in the Bond series, but most were enraged at the surprising decision to cast an eleven year old girl as James Bond.
"The people who are launching false, immature and childish attacks against our film do not understand it. We can only assume that they are not gay. I'm not breeder-phobic, I just think that they shouldn't complain about the consequences of their lifestyle. They brought this upon themselves and are making false and slanderous comments about our film and oppressing people who don't fit into their narrow conception of genderized humonity. We are warriors, but our weapons are the open minds and hearts of post-gender liberated mons, wymons and mwmyims and the various subcategories thereof, rather than hate and fear" commented Alfred K. Radish, free-thinking wymon-leaning mon bioqueer post-transexual movie producer.
"With this film, our deliverate transformative emotive and revolutionary and evolutionary conception was to radically deconstruct the outdated notion of gender and identity in our emerging radical post-queer paradigm. This film challenges the anacronistic gender concept of today's action movie audience, making James Bond a powerful tool for idenity liberation instead of the icon of fear and cringing gender-laden obscenity that epitomized the previous incarnations of the much-despised Bond." Radish commented. "This movie asks aching questions about why the world continues to refuse to let us be who we truly are and forces our square pegs into unnatural round holes and thinks we're the sick ones when they are the intolerant, hateful and evil monsters who must be forcibly reeducated, even if we need to co-opt each of their precious pop-culture gender oppressive icons and turn them against this animal barbarism we are confronted with as radical post-gender humyns."
The film itself, which was shot entirely in a defunct black box theatre with a cast of unknowns for a budget of $700 dollars, has been a surprising commercial failure despite favorable reviews from several critics. "The film's lack of success means we must try again, with another franchise if necessary, until we have emasculated the minds of hymonity. We will prevail in this battle against oppression of bioqueers, mons, wymins and all wmmonkind until our view of gender is the only one that is acceptable for anyone to have."
Despite the film's financial failure, reports are that bondFace II is already in production; preliminary reports indicate an even louder metaphysical post-genderized scream at society. Critics and college professors eagerly anticipate a delightfully disconcerting unentertainment experience, but former Bond fans promise a boycott, until the series is un-rebooted. "James Bond is a fucking MAN GOD DAMN IT!" noted one frusted fan in an online rant against a film that must have blown his tiny mind into a million little pieces "WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BULLSHIT????"