UnNews:EC solves Greek debt problem
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
EC solves Greek debt problem
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 23, 2017, 00:38:UTC)(
8 May 2016
BRUSSELS, Belgium -- The Greek financial crisis has finally settled down, according to Jean-Claude Juncker, the head of the European Commission. After a few years of bickering, bluffing and name-calling, the parties involved have reached consensus. “We are now at the time of the first review of the programme and the objectives have been basically achieved”, said Juncker in response to questions about when the billions of euros would start appearing in the bank accounts of creditors. He added that it is time to “... start the first discussions about how to make Greece’s debt sustainable in the long term”.
Or, according to the English translation: "The chances of Greece actually coughing up the money are so close to zero that we might as well start dressing up the eventual default as a debt relief package in order to keep our jobs as European Commissioners and keep the United Kingdom in the fold."
Greeks responded enthusiastically to Juncker's realization by taking a few days off work and swearing at anyone who still thinks that debts and taxes should be paid.
After all, one has but to gaze at the wine-dark Aegean, or even just a glass of retsina, to realize that the real purpose of life is to turn up the bouzoukis and have a party. The Greek finance minister has also noted that Greece might just decide to become a failed state if certain other countries in the EU don't watch their tongues, and who wants that? It is much more sensible to have regular debt reorganization talks followed by gourmet dinners where everyone involved could feel good about one another. Sustainability is about the future, and if we can't make debt sustainable, and in fact a growing resource for future generations, what hope is there for humanity?
The success of the move was shown by its immediate spread to Puerto Rico, which defaulted on a $422 million payment to holders of Development Bonds that have achieved free electricity for all the island's municipal hockey rinks. Governor Alejandro García "Dilma" Padilla warned the U.S. Congress that, unless it passed a law allowing the territory to stiff other creditors too, it would need a federal bail-out, which would burden even Americans who had not decided to gamble on the island. Analyst Matt Fabian said Puerto Rico's problem is that it should have borrowed even more money, "to create a sustainable base." House Speaker Paul Ryan, who last week announced he is "not ready" to endorse his party's apparent nominee, Donald Trump, because "Trump does not have Republican values" will get yet another chance to show what those might be. Trump's signature call to "build a wall and make the foreigners pay" will not stem the tide of these Latinos fleeing to the mainland, as they would already be inside the wall.
This is seen as further proof that, if you owe the bank a thousand dollars, the bank owns you; if you owe the bank a million dollars, you own the bank.
- Larry Elliot "Europe's liberal illusions shatter as Greek tragedy plays on". The Guardian, May 1, 2016