UnNews:E. coli strikes again; US responds again
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E. coli strikes again; US responds again
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, June 30, 2016, 17:53:UTC)(
12 May 2007
MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesoda -- The recall of 117,500 pounds of beef shipped to eight states across the United States earlier this week was the action taken by the US Department of Agriculture after E. coli launched a counter-offensive in retaliation to the US declaration of war on E. coli in April. Casualties are ranging any where from 12,000 to 1.4 million people. "Fuck!" said United States Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, "God dammit!".
The US invasion of wherever E. coli is located at started last April after tensions between E. coli and the US elevated. A series of attacks led by E. coli, and its confirmed ally, Salmonella, have been deemed "acts of aggression fitting the criteria to blow stuff up" under chapter 12, sub-section B, paragraph 18, line 41 and 69 of the US legislature's informational pamphlet, "Criteria To Blow Stuff Up and You: How To Hope And How To Cope".
Anti-war protestors, such as Fooper McDicks, leader of the Coalition Against Creating Aggression (CACA), have began rallying across the United States in hopes of persuading the government to bring all troops recently sent to fight the war against E. coli, home. "It's retarded," said McDicks, "Biological warfare is not the answer." The United Nations seems to agree with CACA, as the UN has sanctioned the US for declaring war against E. coli. UN Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon declared, "If the United States wishes to declare war against E. coli, then the UN will have no choice but to take the course which promises peace, which we believe is to promote weapons trades with E. coli."
Concerns have also grown surrounding the US' proposed tactics for fighting the war on E. coli. Many believe that the only way for the US to combat E. coli will be to use chemical warfare (i.e. antibiotics), which is strictly prohibited by the Chemical Weapons Convention. Members of the president's cabinet have repeatedly assured that no such tactics have been or ever will be used. "If that's true, then how are they going to fight E. coli? Fucking shoot at it with bullets?" said McDicks in response to this.