UnNews:E. coli launches widespread attack on European targets
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E. coli launches widespread attack on European targets
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, August 29, 2015, 10:27:UTC)(
31 May 2011
DETMOLD, Germany -- International terrorist organization E. coli has launched a major strike against central and western Europe. The cell seems to be based in Czech Republican areas. This accusation has been substantiated by Czech Republican sources and well as their Democratic counterparts. Libertarians, Greens, and Social Democrats have taken the attitude of wait and see. Spanish Farmer-Labor party members have claimed credit for the attack, but the Spanish have not done much since their Armada-geddon. The method of attack has been sourced to a popular vegetable based marital aid. The killer cukes have been spotted in Germany, as well as Netherlands, Austria, Slovakia, Belarus, and the tiny tiny Principality of Princesses and Unicorns.
Sex workers across Europe have been encouraged to give it away over the weekend to allow the sexual needs of potential victims to be fulfilled without the aid of the killer vegetables. Some vendors have replaced cucumbers with pepperonis as an attempt to fulfill the need for the phallic food.
“She's Gotta Have it.”
The attack on the urges of love and desire of particular concern in the areas of procreation. Hospitals and abortion clinics are bracing for an increase in pregnancies as a result of the substitution away from vegetable marital aids.
|We have stepped up our output of dildos and butt plugs as well as the euphemism packaging required by most mom and pop retailers. Sales of Pinky the Love Cuke and Rubberoni are expected to increase during the crisis.|
—International Rubber Goods and Latex CV, spokesman