UnNews:Dyslexic Supreme Court Justice Creates "Right to Arm Bears"
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Dyslexic Supreme Court Justice Creates "Right to Arm Bears"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, February 25, 2017, 21:03:UTC)(
11 November 2006
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Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, a self-described Originalist and apparent dyslexic, led America's highest court in a decision that, experts agree, created something unintended by the Constitution's authors in the results, announced today, for the case Miller v. Illinois.
"The Founding Fathers added in the Second Amendment to prevent the government from restricting the availability of guns, the instrument necessary to keep the government honest with its people. Because of this the amendment clearly states that 'the right of the people to keep and arm bears shall not be infringed' supra at 263."
Scalia's vote automatically determined the votes of the three other conservative justices. Clarence Thomas, having no free will, channeled Scalia's exact thoughts and the newer, shyer justices Samuel Alito and John Roberts went along with Scalia because of his reputation for legal brilliance.
“I caved in to peer pressure; I just wanted the other Justices to like me” quoted Justice Alito.
Justice Anthony Kennedy had recused himself for unknown reasons and John Paul Stevens was still in hiding following comments by conservative columnist Ann Coulter saying he should be poisoned. With the two justices absent the four conservative members became the majority and, with Scalia writing the opinion, held that there was “a definite, unequivocal, right to arm bears.”
Bears were thrilled to hear the news, holding mauling parties across the nation’s national parks.
“Grrrrrrooarr! Smokey take revenge!” said a bear living in Yellowstone National Park.
Bears are expected to buy firearms in droves next Monday.
In opposition the Religious Right quickly proposed an amendment to the Constitution. "The Bible says that God gave us dominion over Earth and its creatures. To give bears the right to own guns would be like giving black people the right to vote," said well known televangelist Jerry Falwell, head of the action group the Moral Majority.
The controversy over the "sanctity of murder" has fueled a political firestorm, senators Orrin Hatch (R-UT) and Rick Santorum (R-PA) slammed the court's decision as "one of the most godless, liberal decisions in history." Conservative pundits railed against Scalia, usually a favorite, for his role in the decision. "I am so stoned" quoted Rush Limbaugh on his radio program.
A press release from the Center for Dyslexia reports that Scalia is not alone in this sort of error. Chief Justice Salmon Chase frequently referenced the 41st Amendment's promise of "Due process of law."