UnNews:Dyslexic Fundamentalists launch Croation Museum
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Dyslexic Fundamentalists launch Croation Museum
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, August 18, 2017, 20:36:UTC)(
11 June 2007
Webtoe, Missouri The Dyslexic Biblical Literalist group known as the Croation Silence Insinuation of Armenia today opened its long planned Croation Museum.
'When they contacted us, we thought they'd want dinosaurs, Adam and Eve, stuff like that,' said animatronics contractor Tony Perkins, 'But the order came through for "Croationist" stuff, and that's what we did. I'm particularly proud of the animatronic Rudolf Fizir; it is capable of 18 poses and 8 facial expressions. The Zlata Bartl is also pretty good.
'We were going to build a Nikola Tesla,' he added, 'But it turns out he's Serbian. Live and learn.'
The Museum is divided into eight parts, representing the history of Croatia, as described by the Dyslexic Fundamentalist sacred book, the Wholly Bobble.
'The first room describes Gord's Croatian,' explains museum founder Can Home. 'In the next room the people turned away from Gord, and so became hungry.'
The opening of the museum was protested by secular historians of the Balkan region. 'What Mr. Home doesn't understand is that the Wholly Bobble is not meant to be read literally,' said Prof. Anton Vadko, Chair of Slavonic Studies at the University of Chicago, 'Or at least, not read literally by people who can't actually read, due to a neurological disorder such as, oh, I don't know, dyslexia.
'Plus, the Croats didn't become hungry, they became a part of Hungary.'
Mr. Home angrily refuted this argument. 'My dyslexia is a gift from Gord, just like the Bobble and my personal relationship with Jasper Cricket.
'Plus, they were so hungry.'
In spite of this seemingly reasonable defense, Prof. Vadko maintains his opposition to the Museum. 'You have no idea how many mistakes these people made. I have no idea either; I can't read the labels on most of the exhibits. I'm pretty sure they claim that the medieval Kingdom of Croatia was founded in 1925, whereas it was really founded a thousand years earlier, in 925. They then try to shoehorn a millennium of Croatian history into eighty years. One of the exhibits shows 11th century ruler King Petar Krešimir IV and Marshall Tito fighting together in World War I.
'When I asked a guide how this could be, he told me that Petar Krešimir could crack coconuts with his teeth. What sort of answer is that?'
- Vincent Yarfnaro "Hicks Pick Slick Sticks. Also, Croationst Museum Opens". Variety, June 11, 2007