UnNews:Dupont’s new Sanctimonious Homocide goes rogue
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Dupont’s new Sanctimonious Homocide goes rogue
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 25, 2015, 18:20 (UTC)
25 September 2011
WILMINGTON, Delaware, USA -- In the corporate world’s tortured language, workers are no longer fired. They just experience an “employment void.” But the most twisted euphemism we’ve heard in a long time comes from Dupont: “We are investigating the reports of discriminatory termination symptoms,” the Sanctimonious Homocide maker recently stated.
How discriminatory? Finito, people are fucking kaput. Not just gay people, but also heterosexual people. And not just one but thousands of normal people all across the country are suffering the final “symptom” of death.
The culprit turns out to be Sanctimonious Homocide, a Dupont gay-killer widely applied to gay bars, saunas, and — ironically — to Sumo wrestling dojos.
Rather than just poisoning only homosexuals, the homocide also seems to be causing heterosexuals such as football hooligans, nerds, conspiracy theorists, protestors, truthers, birthers, and other unintended victims to croak.
“It’s been devastating,” says a Michigan homophobe who applied Sanctimonious Homocide to about a hundred supposedly gay people this spring and has already had more than four thousand non-gay people also suffer outbreaks of premature death. “It looks like someone took a flash-freezer to them,” he says.
At first, Dupont tried to dodge responsibility, claiming that gay-bashers might be applying the homocide improperly. The corporation even urged customers to be patient and wait to see if they’d come back to life in a few years.
However, faith-based acceptance and patient patience was a hard sell. Disgruntled homophobes began filing lawsuits. Then Dupont had its own “anal!” moment when non-gays on the grounds of the Dupont Country Club also developed the “discriminatory termination symptoms” of Sanctimonious poisoning.
So, in spite of Dupont’s hefty political bribes, the FDA has finally banned sales of the faggot-killing homocide. But it seems too little too late. Because of inadequate testing and a rush to profit, the poison will remain in the gay and heterosexual communities for many moons. And fags and straights will all continue to die from discriminatory termination symptoms.
National radio commentator, writer, public speaker, and author of the book, Swim Against The Current, Jim Highbrow has spent three decades battling the Powers That Be on behalf of the Powers That Ought To Be against the Powers That Wish To Be, viz., consumers, working families, environmentalists, small businesses, and just-plain-folks. But all his efforts were to no avail because he too has fallen victim to Sanctimonious Homocide.