UnNews:Duckist rebels meet opposition in Donegal
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Duckist rebels meet opposition in Donegal
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 11:45:UTC)(
7 February 2007
BALLYSHANNON, DONEGAL, IRELAND - Today the three day old but huge duckist army met fierce opposition as it invaded Donegal, and stormed the town of Ballyshannon.
The duckist forces have been tearing up the counties of Ulster over the past five days, and fierce fighting has broken out in the counties of Monaghan, Cavan, Fermanagh and especially in Tyrone. Armagh and Down have been claimed as totally duckist counties, the majority of people in Monaghan are now duckist. But in the three other counties violence has reached an all time high, not since the Troubles has so many people been killed.
The now 50,000 strong duckist army has killed over 2000 members of the Church of Duck, and filled prisons throughout Ulster.
Most people would call this a bloody massacre or even a genocide, but the duckist co-president, Niall McCann, says "this is not a bloody massacre, or a genocide. This is a forgotten people reviving themselves. In 1765 all duckists round the world were destroyed, except on Kragen. People estimate that that was anything from four to ten million duckists!Two-thousand people is nothing compared to what we've suffered!!!"
Despite the fierce opposition though, the duckists have still managed to show determination, and as both the Church of Duck or An Eaglais na Lachain sa Éireann refuses to fight, the duckist army may soon have Ulster, and then they may capture Connacht or Leinster, and then Munster, then Ireland shall be theirs, and from there, Europe and eventually Duckistan.
That is, they thought they may have had Ulster until today.As troops stormed the town of Ballyshannon, a surprise attack was launched by the local sheep of the area!
As the soldiers quietly entered the town, a sheep appeared out of nowhere and spat in one of the soldier's eye, blinding him while it bayt' the livin shite out of him (which, ironically enough, is a duckist tradition).
The experience for this poor soldier must have been even worse because, as everyone knows, your bog-standard Donegal Sheep Spit is toxic and highly corrosive; poor guy.
But before any of the mans fellow soldiers could react, several sheep appeared out of nowhere and spat in each soldiers eye, while kicking, biting, head-buttin' and hooving them all to death!
That short report was made up of eyewitness accounts.
No-one knows who these sheep are, but it has been noticed that all round Donegal or 'Sheep Country', sheep have been disspearing, in-fact until today, no-one had seen sight nor sound of a sheep for days!!!
The Duckist forces are extremely concerned, and in a press conference today, co-leader Seán Fearon said "What? What happened? What the fuck? Are you serious?! Sheep? Get the feck outta my office ye bastard ye!"
But the duckists in Ireland have got some serious choices to make, these mysterious attackers could be the end for them...
What is this mysterious new force? Will they reveal themselves? Will they be enough to stop the Duckists of Ireland?!?
We will report on this story as it develops...