UnNews:Duck Drowns; Marine Biologists Raged
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Duck Drowns; Marine Biologists Raged
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, November 30, 2015, 04:45:UTC)(
27 June 2008
OKEFENOKEE SWAMP, Georgia -- As strange as it may seem, a wild male duck, living in the Okefenokee swamp, drowned. Several Boy Scouts witnessed the horrible scene, many of them peeing their pants. The Scoutmaster fteched the authorites, which contacted the Mrine Biology Center, which sent Marine Biologists to the scene. The Duck, named Howard, had perfect health - leaving no explanation as to why he drowned. The Boy scouts, aged 14-16 all requested their mothers in a whinig fashion. "The Boys did not handle themselves well," says their scoutmaster."I've been scarred for life!It was horrible!" says a 15 year old boy scout.
The marine biologists all believed the duck itself had suicidal tendencies; Howard had been known to look dead."Yep. Howard was one of those ducks. Looked like he was dead, but wasn't. This time it ws for real though." says biologist The Michelin Man. "Howard loved to play pranks. Or maybe he was trying to kim himself but was unsuccessful. We don't know." All of the biologists are looking for possible causes of his death. Suicide? Asthma attack? Seizure? The lists are ongoing. Evidence points to one, though. "It might just have been swimming and then his lungs filled with water, causing death. He does have traces of lake water in his lungs." says Michelin.
As for the Swamp owners and personel? A lawsuit has been filed against the swamp for alleged murder. The owner of the swamp says there is no possible way they can lose. "Murder? You're kidding me. Why would we kill our own wildlife? For the insurance? That duck didn't have any." says Jon McNtire, the owner of the swamp. The lawsuit was for $258,629.65. "Free money, free money," says McNtire.
As for Howard? A proper burial and eulogy was all for him.