|This article is part of UnNews||UnFair and UnBalanced|
3 December 2012
LONDON -- In spite of the AAA certified rumor that the Duchess of Cambridge is a sacrificial virgin who has not yet consummated her holy matrimony to reptilian Prince Willy, she is, never the less, expecting a baby. The shocking news was just leaked by St James's Palace in a surprise announcement proclaiming that a bastard will be first in line for a royal abortion.
The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a baby, St James's Palace has announced, proving that she is right royally fucked. How so? You ask - We’ll tell you how, “The father is NOT Prince Willy, but is, in fact, right royal Lord Christopher Monckton.”
Members of the Royal Family and the duchess's family, the Middletons, are said to be royally shocked. A spokes-eunuch said the duchess has admitted to Prince William that she expects a bastard child who is obviously not his own. It was also announced that the accidental fetus would be first in line and in direct succession to be aborted, probably at an illegal clinic somewhere near Soho.
According to unofficial reports Catherine and William were only recently engaged at Westminster Abbey and as of yet have not slept together. Therefore the sudden pregnancy comes as a surprise to everyone – except Lord Monckton , who knocked her up in the first place. The duchess was last seen petting with the Lord on Friday when she visited his sleeping quarters.
In a statement, St James's Palace said: “Their Royal Highnesses the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very hard-pressed to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting a royal abortion. The Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, The Prince of Wales, The Duchess of Cornwall and Prince Harry and members of both families are highly shamed by the awkward situation, but are also extremely pleased to have the Church of England’s holy sanction for a royal feticide procedure.
“As the pregnancy is in its very early stages, Her Royal Highness is expected to have an illegal abortion within several days and will require a further period of punishment in the dungeon thereafter,” it added. St James's Palace refused to be cornered on when the Duchess became aware of the pregnancy, only saying, “yesterday!” But it is understood that the pregnancy has not passed the 2 day point and the palace announcement was prompted by the Duchess's own public puking.
It also said the duchess was presently being confined in the palace dungeon suffering from hyperemesis bummer and morning sickness, both of which require fuck all and are perfectly normal for any pregnant bitch – royal or otherwise.
Prime Minister David Cameron wrote on Twitter that he was “appalled by the news”, adding: “They (Kate and Lord Monckton ) have to work it out between them.”
Labor leader Ed Miliband tweeted: “blasted news for Kate, William and especially the baby.”
Meanwhile Lord Christopher Monckton tweeted: “I flatly deny it.”