UnNews:Drunken Man Finds Driving Hard; Promptly Arrested
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Drunken Man Finds Driving Hard; Promptly Arrested
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 24, 2016, 05:02:UTC)(
24 August 2008
DES MOINES, Iowa - It was any regular night for Carl Widrow. He had finished his low paying job as a soda pop technician at a muffler factory, and sped off to his small home in his Ford Pinto. Amazingly enough, this man was able to afford a Motorola Razor. But then again, everyone has one. The phone rang, and his fiancé and vending machine loading partner Butch Kidd was on the other line. "Dude, you should totally come to the Bison Bar down the road. Free Vodka night, dude!" Butch said with a somewhat drunk tone.
"And so I went down to the bar, had a uhh... few drinks and got a little carried away," says Carl from inside his cell. He had been arrested on charges of DUI and three counts of fraud.
Carl had apparently got a little drunk. It was free vodka in your soda night, so what do you expect from any man? Being sober at the end? After his nineteenth drink, Carl decided to call it quits. It was getting late. Around Six O'clock. And he had to go to bed so he could get to work at the muffler factory early the next morning. So, Carl got his jacket, and went outside the bar into a whole new world, a foreign world, an alien world full of soberness, where Carl was an outsider."Dude, like, everything's moving... like, worth." he said once leaving the bar. And on his way to his quaint vehicle, he ended up tripping over the curb, eating two squirrels, and lost his virginity. But not for long, as he had to get into his Pinto. Upon doing so, he accidentally stabbed his keys into his new leather upholstery in an attempt to insert the key into the ignition. He also managed to puncture his own skin and break his radio.
"I was drunk man, what do you expect? I put the key perfectly in the ignition on the first try? Give me a break," Says Carl from inside his miniature cell. From there, Carl finally found the key slot, promptly turning on the vehicle. In his first try, he popped the gear into reverse, therefore flooring it into a Mustang right behind him. It was approximately $12500 in damage. However, being under the influence of a drug, the man kept going unaware of the things he had done.
And then Carl found driving to be an awfully difficult task when everything is moving and in weird colors. He was swerving around trying not to hit innocent bystanders, and was ramming into other cars thinking it was bumper cars at the fair. However, due to quick response by the local police force, Carl was quickly asked to say his ABCs. "This is what he said: 'A B C E G G G G G G W W Q Q S D A B C 8 D E F G S S KKK'. Unbelievable what so much alcohol can due to an innocent man's mind," says the police man who arrested Carl. Then, Carl asked if the man wanted to have sex with him. "I was tempted by the offer, but I refused. I'm here to arrest people, not have some sweet gay sex with them."
And so Carl was taken to jail, thrown into a cell, and needed a lawyer. It's kinda like First Blood, except this guy actually deserved to be arrested. And he didn't get out and destroy the city. But whatever.
"Playing bumper cars was actually kinda fun, you know?" Carl remarked later.