UnNews:Drug dealers resort to publically traded corporations
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Drug dealers resort to publically traded corporations
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, December 5, 2016, 04:45:UTC)(
4 October 2008
Blood vessel, Heartland of America Facing increased pressure from the DEA and local law enforcement, desperate drug dealers have resorted to merciless and brutal tactics to push their product onto the youth of America- set up shop. By becoming a non-entity with stockholder interests, fleets of lawyers can easily bat aside any liability incurred by the company and completely circumvent any possibility of jail time for hired employees, often robots.
"Our company mandate states that we must maximize our shareholder's returns while providing a great service." CEO Shady read from a prepared statement. According to their customers and law enforcement officials alike, prototypes have been truly amazing. "I just bought crack! Wow! Before, I had to go, like, two blocks that way." enthused a nearby customer "...it saves so much time! AND OMG there's even a choice between shitty crack, mystery crack and really good crack! I love this kiosk!" Sitting nearby in the donut shop, Officer Piggly-Wiggly agreed. "It's a real time saver, those units. I've been eating donuts all day- radio is as quiet as a hamster. I'll just nip over there myself later instead of petitioning the government to raid the nation of Columbia. Sure saves bullets."
Customers can purchase drugs from corporate drug dealers at automated kiosks using their debit card. A series of questions regarding the health of the individual will follow. Depending on state laws, drugs may be dispensed at a discount if you have a coupon, or a trapdoor leading directly to jail or a pit with sharp spikes may open up. Actual user experience may vary. Terms and conditions apply. The user must agree that the company has not placed ants under their skin, implants in their eye, and is in no way in contact with any alien civilizations. All damages incurred are the sole responsibility of the user, especially in the case of death.
The first kiosks, McDrugs, including the favorites coke, crack and crystal meth, are shipping to inner city locations nationwide this eternity. National advertising will guarantee that the first McHit is always free if you are willing to agree to be arrested at any time. Alcohol and tobacco vendors, facing billions in lawsuits from dis-satisfied customers but reporting record profits, have been quick to accept the new contestants into the ring.
"America is about freedom to do business, none of this socialist 5-year plan nonsense. We have a customer base and solid financial backing. What more do we need? Did we win the war in Vietnam to scatter the building blocks of our great nation across the floor like children's blocks in playschool? I think not. Death to Communism!" frothed local economist Adam Smith from beyond the grave.
The use of traditional light medicines such as marijuana will continue to be punishable by death, the one thing that all world nations have finally agreed upon in harmony.