UnNews:Drug dealers go on strike, rehabs becoming increasingly overbooked
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
17 July 2009
LOS ANGELES, California -- Hundreds of drug dealers led a march yesterday where they carried great, big cardboard signs displaying messages such as, "Go to hell! We refuse to sell!" and "You owe me $5 Bush!"
This incident resulted after allegations that the US government is considering taxing drug dealers instead of arresting them in order to "kill two birds with one stone," suggesting that this new approach to solving the narcotics problem should not only keep drug dealers out of jail as a result of legalizing the practice and turning it into an actual profession, but also assist in the faster restoration of the economy.
"Fuck dat shit homie! Us dawgs godda hustle hard for what we want in life and dem government wanna come and ged a slice of our pie. Hell No!" Said one Nigerian-American dealer, who currently (illegally) resides in Los Angeles and who has a wife and two kids.
Many dealers claim that they work much too hard evading the law and have families to support, saying that they would much rather prefer the practice of wheeling and dealing to remain illegal, before having to give up a percentage of their earnings on a monthly basis.
The effect of the strike on rehabilitation centers throughout America is becoming an especially big concern. All the farmy areas where most rehab centers are found are becoming overpopulated, and the flock of urban addicts is causing these areas to become overcrowded with twitchy, withdrawing people who are now forced to visit these rehabs as a result of not being able to satisfy their cravings.
"Mannnnn... I'm starting to get my ambition back. It's scary! I'm realizing my dreams! It's awful! Just re-illegalize it PLEASE!!!" Said a very, edgy looking Artie Lange when interviewed by UnNews. Rehab facilities are also pleading with members of parliament to reconsider, saying that they cannot accommodate all the druggies, and are now forced to secretly place mass orders of crack, weed, meth, etc. with the select few dealers who are still willing to sell in order to be able to reduce the number of visitors.
Whether the strike will prove effective is uncertain at this point in time and all we can do now is see shit that isn't really there and diagnose some more schizophrenics.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
- Artie Lange "drug dealers against the legalization of drugs in order to prevent the government from getting a slice of their pie because the government needs to back the fuck up and get a job.". Artie Lange, July 17, 2009