UnNews:Driver in Nice lorry attack revealed as Ms. Frizzle

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Driver in Nice lorry attack revealed as Ms. Frizzle

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15 July 2016

Bloody the frizz jpeg

Snapchat photo taken by victim directly before impact.

NICE, France - French authorities have released a statement regarding the mistaken identity of the lorry driver in the Bastard Basteel Bastille Day’s routine mass death event. The driver, originally identified as a dead Mohamed Mdsfsasodfoaisfasdfasd, was actually none other than Ms. Frizzle, the former star of the children’s educational series The Magic School Bus. It was nearly four months since she was reported missing from the PBS Nursing Home for Dead Characters. How she ended up in the south of France is anybody’s guess.

The lorry ploughed through nearly 100 Frenchies like a BigMac through a colon (slowly, painfully, and with lots of gasping and blood) before the driver was finally stopped via handgun. Firsthand accounts claim that the wounded perpetrator removed was covered in greying orange hair, decaying lizard material, and shouted “WAHOOOO!” continuously. She is currently in ehhh condition.

While The Frizz’s motives are officially unknown, the French President Franswa Hollandaise claims this was an attack of hate and terror. “It is obvious she is a radicalized warrior of ISIS. She’s even plastered with islamic imagery,” he said, indicating the space theme of the dress Ms. Frizzle wore during her attack. The closest thing to an explanation recorded by the ex-primary school teacher herself was a feeble “Take chances, make mistakes, get messy!” while being carted to an ambulance. Some speculated reasonings for the attack have ranged from a science experiment gone wrong to a performance art piece in protest of the slaughtering of baby chicks via blender in factory egg farms. Others claim it was just her fervent atheism.

The Frizz will face arraignment as soon as she is out of the hospital.

Basset Bra-style Bastille Day is similar to America’s 4th of July, except more gay because it is French.

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