UnNews:Dracula returns to life, nobody cares

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Dracula returns to life, nobody cares

Straight talk, from straight faces

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Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 10:06:59 (UTC)

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5 June 2007

Count Vlad Tepes Dracula returned to life today, amidst rumbling thunder, crackling lightning, and the terrible howls of various demonic forces. Witnesses in Transylvania were a little surprised to see Dracula's ruined castle appearing on the horizon, good as new, but had surprisingly little to say about the evil, blood-sucking tyrant's ressurection.

Dracula declines to interview, but agrees to a photo-op.

"It's nothing really new or special," said one filty, flea-infested serf we interviewed. "I mean, come on. Not like it ain't happened a dozen times before". He remarked, rolling his eyes. "I was out, mindin' these fields like usual when it happened. Yeah, I know we ain't got no crops growin', but th' rats come lookin' for scraps of barley, and we gots to get our meat from somewhere. You want details? Google it," he said with an air of finality, and returned to his field-watching.

"It ain't the vampires I got a problem with!" another, less disenchanted serf exclaimed. "It's them damned werewolves they keep around for pets! They jump the fence, get into my yard and shite all over the place! You wouldn't believe the smell!" he said, grimacing. "The shite! That's all you've got to complain about!" a homely woman, standing at the entrance to the hovel shouted angrily, "Why, one of them things ate my poor aunt Betty, and all you can do is talk about the shite!" she yelled, furiously slamming the door.

"Yeah... werewolf... ate..." said our serf, retrieving a rusty knife from behind a broken pig slop and heading for the house.

"There's really nothing we can do but wait it out," said an elderly woman, who claimed her husband had been killed by vampires several years ago. "Eventually, some fool claiming to come from a long line of vampire hunters or some such nonsense will show up and save the day."

A blood-drained corpse with a pair of holes in it's neck declined to comment, and Trevor Belmont is rumored to already be on his way to the castle.

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