UnNews:Dracula Awarded A Knighthood By Nervous Monarch
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Dracula Awarded A Knighthood By Nervous Monarch
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, September 25, 2016, 20:53:UTC)(
15 June 2009
LONDON, UK -- A nervous Buckingham Palace spokesman confirmed the Undead Prince of Darkness was now to be called Sir Dracula , First Knight of the Leaden Coffin. The ceremony had to be held in the dead of night as Dracula admitted he 'wasn't one for the daylight.'
I am very happy to receive this honour, hissed Dracula as he played with his award. I am after all a creature of the night so what fitting honour I should receive is to be blessed with my own knighthood as well. I know I am already a Count but I chose to be known as Sir Dracula rather than as Sir Vlad the Impaler or Sir Christopher Lee as I didn't want to upset her Majesty.
Then Sir Dracula then looked dark and menacing as he remembered a few slights in the pass:
I should have got this award earlier except the British authorities had me listed as an illegal immigrant from Transylvania who should have been deported years ago . I have actually lived in Whitby Abbey since my ship was wrecked there in 1896 and have had to feed on virgins and ramblers ever since . However life has changed with the invention of tourism, I live much more comfortably now that we have plenty of visitors to Whitby. I only feed on people who will not be missed by anyone , like school parties of snotty children. It is just a shame that kids eat so much junk food you know . It corrupts the sweetness I love to bite into.
Sir Dracula said he hoped the award wouldn't change him and indicated that he would retain his old blood sucking ways. He admitted that one day he hoped the Queen would elevate him to become enobled as a British Lord and join the other Undead - also known as the House of Lords - in the near future.
My good friends Frankenstein Monster and Werewolf will be so jealous.. continued Sir Dracula as his voice turned into a bat squeak and flapped into the London fog to see if he would 'strike it lucky' that night.
- The Times
- Court Circular
- Transylvanian Bat Courier