UnNews:Dr. Kevorkian to be released from prison, sent to help Iraqi suicide bombers
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Dr. Kevorkian to be released from prison, sent to help Iraqi suicide bombers
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, March 30, 2017, 03:00:UTC)(
27 May 2007
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LANSING, Michigan -- Dr. Jack Kevorkian, the infamous euthanasia doctor who had been jailed for his illegal practices, is soon to be released from prison after 8 years behind bars. The U.S. government is ironically eager for the man to be freed, as it has immediate plans to send him to Iraq to help with the war effort. It is part of President George Bush's latest plan to curb violence in the Middle East.
The goal is to decrease the number of suicide attacks by providing the perpetrators with alternative means for killing themselves. "Without proper medical care available in Iraq," explains Health Secretary Mike Leavitt, "the terminally ill and suffering Iraqis have little choice but to commit suicide by mass bombing." The problem with that method is that it kills many innocent bystanders, which, according to the Bush administration, is the primary cause of death in the country. "Otherwise, Baghdad and the rest of the nation is completely peaceful - there are no more terrorists or sectarian conflicts," revealed White House Press Secretary Tony Snow.
The ingenious plan calls for Dr. Kevorkian to open up a clinic in Baghdad's Green Zone, where under tight security he will admit Iraqi patients. Using a machine of his own invention, the good doctor will send the suffering patients peacefully to the next world, with no collateral casualties. To dispel some concerns from the Muslim community, he also promises that "all clients will still be guaranteed 72 virgins-or white grapes, whatever their persuasion-in heaven."
News of Dr. Kevorkian's imminent arrival is quickly spreading through Baghdad, where potential suicide bombers are now contemplating the alternative. Mustafa al-Aghba, a 22 year-old Sunni car mechanic who is bitterly opposed to the American occupation, told reporters, "I was all set to blow myself up in a busy market any day now, but once I heard of this Dr. Kevorkian, I started having second thoughts. Why not die peacefully in a hygienic setting, instead of taking all those innocent lives with me?" Mr. al-Aghba was concerned about the cost of Dr. Kevorkian's services, but was relieved to learn it would cost mere pennies, as most of the charges are subsidized by US taxpayers.
In a rare sign of bipartisanship, Democrats support Bush's new plan and say it really may be the way forward in Iraq. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi announced that she is "glad that the Republicans have finally abandoned their 'sanctity of life' ideals and now fully support euthanasia." Senator Barack Obama even indicated that the program should be expanded, and that "Dr. Kevorkian's merciful services should also be applied to members of the Bush administration, such as embattled Attorney General Alberto Gonzales."