UnNews:Dow reaches 12,000, people still live in poverty, squalor
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Dow reaches 12,000, people still live in poverty, squalor
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, July 5, 2015, 23:19:UTC)(
19 October 2006
NEW YORK - The Dow Jones industrial average scored its first close above 12,000 Thursday, yet for some unknown reason, millions of people in the world remain in grinding poverty and squalor. What's their fucking problem?
Despite evidence of a weaker economy, the stock market's most prominent benchmark ended the day at 12,011.73, the ninth time in just over two weeks that the Dow has achieved a record high close. The record came one day after the index of 30 blue chip stocks made its first foray past 12,000. This should have meant riches and prosperity for all, but for some reason it didn't.
"I can't figure it out," commented stockbroker Jerry Corrin. "I got two houses and three cars and some people don't even have clean water to drink. They must be lazy or stupid or something, because money's falling out of the goddamned sky around here."
The Dow's latest milestone came on the anniversary of Black Monday in 1987, when the Dow plunged 508 points and also suffered its second-biggest percentage drop in history. The Dow finished that day at 1,793.90, far from Thursday's record, but of little consequence to the tens of thousands of people who have starved to death since 1987.
The finish above 12,000 was the latest sign that the stock market continues a cautious recovery from the losses and despair investors suffered in the early part of this decade, when they thought they might not be able to put that Italian marble they wanted in their bathrooms.
After peaking in early 2000, the Dow and other indexes fell precipitously when somebody figured out (at least for a little while) that the dot-coms aren't really worth shit. They're still not worth shit, but Ponzi schemes are still a good investment if you get in first.
Still, trading was erratic Thursday, with the overall market struggling to sustain an advance after a pair of reports signaled the Federal Reserve might have a tougher time orchestrating a soft landing of the economy.
Disappointing earnings in the technology sector also weighed on stocks, which the starving, poverty-stricken people of the world still refuse to purchase, to their own detriment.