UnNews:Dow Soars 900 Points On Paulson's New Liquidation Policy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Dow Soars 900 Points On Paulson's New Liquidation Policy
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, May 26, 2015, 10:44 (UTC)
14 November 2008
"With the cost of this bailout package now ballooning into the trillions of dollars, we're going to have to move quickly with a bold plan that will require sacrifices by a relatively small percentage of Americans"
Paulson's plan involves allocating nearly half of the TARP money approved by Congress, nearly $300 billion dollars, to construct "Liquidation Centers" in roughly half of the most populous cities in the United States. The construction jobs created by the plan will be in the thousands.
"Liquidation policy is the best way to thaw the frozen credit markets. The amount of money that can be liquidated by the government, from Social Security alone, will be enough to buy all of the bad loans that are out there and allow people under 80 years old to stay in their homes".
The plan also calls for relief in the private sector through a system of liquidations involving the benefits and pensions of America's largest companies. Estimates vary but Paulson thinks that these cuts will create fresh capital for banks to loan and for companies in the manufacturing sector to create new jobs.
"We have already started this process without a single liquidation center being built as of yet. The Department Of Homeland Security has already begun the initial program of picking up liquidation assets at their homes, Senior Centers and Hospices"
"He is absolutely the most powerful person in the country, maybe the world" said Wall Street accounting expert Robert Willens. "we should probably do what he says"
"Mad Money" financial guru Jim Cramer had his own take on the government's new plan. "After some initial apprehension I cannot tell you how much I love this new idea" Exclaimed Cramer. "But don't be fooled into a false sense of security here. If you can crap in it, drool on it or affix dentures with it, my advice is to sell it"
Shares of Kimberly-Clark Corporation (KMB) fell 30% to $41.24 in heavy trading this morning as investors pondered the future of the incontinence product manufacturer. Clearly, there will be some losers under the government's new plan to tackle the problems of an economy that's been shedding jobs like a long-haired cat in the summer.
Some senior citizens are totally confused as to what this plan means for them. "I'm not sure I understand what Mr Paulson means by liquidated" said James Walker, the founder of Senior Care Advocates and the Senior Care Advocates Radio Show on KSTE 650 AM in San Francisco. Bill Novelli, the CEO of AARP, was mysteriously unavailable for comment.
Paulson sought to reassure all of those concerned. "Look, it's not like "Logan's Run" or anything here. Those people got to fly around in a room and get shot by lasers after they became only 30 years old. Under the new guidelines people will be guaranteed at least 200% more lifespan than those people. It will be much more like "Soylent Green" where you'll get to pick your favorite color, your favorite music and watch a film of what earth used to look like before mankind crapped all over it"