UnNews:Dow Jones Raised From the Dead, Recession Now Officially Over
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Dow Jones Raised From the Dead, Recession Now Officially Over
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, March 20, 2018, 11:38:UTC)(
26 March 2009
President Obama's economic plan was a success. The economy was finally fixed today when Dow Jones was revived. Mr. Jones was allegedly killed by President Bush, but there is no conclusive evidence. Hundreds of collaborators are rumored to have taken part in the murder which took place last fall. Jones' revival came as a relief to the industrial average that bears his name. The average was able to increase in value for consecutive days for the first time since Jones' murder. Little is known about the crime, but evidence suggests Dow Jones was thrown from a speeding hobo train in December.
President Obama made a move to replace his controversial Treasury Secretary, Tim Geithner, with Dow Jones. This came as a relief to congressional Republicans and Democrats, however many Republicans were unsatisfied because their suggestion for Geithner's replacement was Rush Limbaugh.
President Obama stated that "We are very glad to have Mr. Jones back and we hope his new position as Treasury Secretary can help the economy and the American people who are in need of help."
Dow Jones is very glad to have returned to the world of the living and enacted the creation of the Finding Loose Change Committee as a part of the Treasury Department to reduce the national debt. Jones says "this plan may be ineffective, but every little bit of money counts to reduce our debt. There is plenty of money out there that we could find and if we take advantage of the abundance of loose change around it can really add up."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|