UnNews:Douglas Feith Exonerated
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Douglas Feith Exonerated
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 4, 2015, 13:31:UTC)(
9 February 2007
(Uncyc Press) In a stunning finding, a new intelligence evaluation opines that Douglas Feith's Office of Special Plans did not pass on "criminally prosecutable" bogus intelligence to the nation during the spin-up to the Iraq war."I knew we would be exonerated," exulted Feith. "3000 American soldiers dead and hundreds of thousands of civilians murdered, every single one of our findings repudiated over and over, an unwinnable war that is piling hundreds billions of dollars of debt on the shoulders of US taxpayers, but we're not criminally liable! Oh, praise the Lord!"
The Lord God was probably not involved, however. Reliable sources indicate that Feith's malicious and ultimately murderous lies were more likely linked to the devil. Certainly the bogus war started on the basis of Feith's lies has turned parts of Iraq into a hell on Earth.
However, in a recent radio interview Douglas Feith affirmed the "compassionate" nature of neoconservatives:
- "Neoconservativism is not going away because it is the most compassionate, most idealistic political philosophy," he said, "especially when it comes to justifying the murdering of large numbers of innocent people."
Neoconservatives were of course responsible for pushing the invasion of Iraq and, it turns out, manufacturing intelligence claiming that Saddam Hussein had a "symbiotic" relationship with Al Qaeda and that Saddam was responsible for the attacks on the World Trade Center.
No facts have ever supported the "intelligence" passed off by Feith's Office of Special Plans. And now, of course, the finding that Feith and his operatives acted in bad faith, cherry-picked bad intelligence, and ignored the real findings of CIA operatives is, well, old news. Some Republican members of congress yawned and scratched their crotches as investigators revealed the full extent of the Defense Department's use of rumor and outright untruths to start the Iraq war.
"What's the relevance of examining past mistakes?" one asked. "We're determined not to learn anything from them."
The main thing is that Feith isn't going to be accused of criminal malfeasance, so he's free to go on championing neoconservative imperialism abroad and neoconservative fascism at home.
"Ain't that America," Feith told Uncyclopedia reporters, putting his feet up on his desk and lighting a cigar. "But you ain't seen nothing yet. We're spinning up for Iran. Our kill count will ultimately leave the Rwandan genocide in the dust. Neoconservatives are going to murder more people than Pol Pot. Just you wait."
For a satirical view of Feith's chronic lying, see Wikipedia's article on the Office of Special Plans.
Old news: Feith's Lie Factory was reported in 2004 by Dreyfuss and Vest. No one listened.