UnNews:Doubts remain on imminent destruction of Earth

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Doubts remain on imminent destruction of Earth

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10 April 2016


Fiery planetary doom could be forestalled by a global bureaucracy — if the world's skeptics simply suspend their disbelief.

NEW YORK CITY -- Experts warn that the imminent destruction of Planet Earth and all life on it has not yet been scientifically proven. The Independent reports that rumors of the green planet's demise "are almost certainly incorrect," probably.

High-profile news outlets say that Earth could be wiped out — perhaps next month — by a cataclysmic collision with Planet Nine. The planet, 10 times Earth's size and 600 times as far from the sun, has no name but only a number, as it is evading detection by scientists. However, the detected planets are not exactly where they should be, and a large, malevolent, undiscovered planet is the only explanation. The Sun reports that "Niner" is perhaps only one Bad Hair Day away from leaving its orbit and hurtling straight toward our own galactic Eden.

Pluto used to be Planet Nine, but fell short of the high standards required for planetude by the passage of Obama-care. It is now known as a mere Trans-Neptunal globoid, freeing up its number for assignment to the hypothetical new orb — except that The Powers That Be don't want you to know about it.

Mike Brown, whose title is as unconfirmed as Planet Nine, is described by the Sun as "one of the two main people involved in the claims." He published a paper on the principal peer-reviewed journal of claims of End TimeTwitter — saying that "If you read that Planet Nine is going to cause the earth's destruction, you have discovered idiotic writing!" UnNews Senior Editor Morris Greeley reacted with some of his highest dudgeon ever, asserting that any such writing would have appeared in UnNews first. However, better late than never.

The United Nations has proposed a planetary central authority, with powers of prior restraint over all commerce in the planet's wealthier countries, and a place on everyone's speed-dial list. A large-enough agency could direct every human being on Earth to jump at exactly the same time, so that the planet could feint to the right or left and dodge the planetary collision, at which time the agency could be dismantled, as swiftly and effortlessly as were NATO and the U.S. Department of Energy once they found their mandates were overtaken by events.

Retired astrophysics professor Daniel Whitmire, conceding that planetary Argamemnon is not a done deal, asked last week, "Wouldn't you rather take action and have me be wrong, than do nothing if I should be right?" Thus, the call for a United Nations Planetary Collision Avoidance Bureau takes the same form as both global warming remediation and the need for prayer. Though the problem has not been nailed down, the solution is a virtual certainty.

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