UnNews:Double Amputee Allowed to Compete in Ass-Kicking Contest
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Double Amputee Allowed to Compete in Ass-Kicking Contest
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 5, 2015, 00:08:UTC)(
17 May 2008
The International Alliance of Ass-Kicking Fundamentalists determined in January that the South Alabamian Ass-Kicker was afforded an unfair advantage by the use of his prosthetic carbon fiber legs and barred him from Kicking Ass at the Olympic level. The IAAF's ruling was overturned on Friday by the Council for Ass-Kicking Sanctions after a long and arduous appeals process.
"I'm ecstatic," Pistovfatus told reporters at Jub's Grub Hub in rural Canesville. "When I found out, I cried. It is a battle that has been going on for far too long. It's a great day for the sport. I think this day is going to go down in history for the equality of disabled people."
Pistovfatus - who lost his left leg in a tragic snowblower accident in 1988, and his right leg in a hilarious snowblower accident in 1994 - must still reach a qualifying time and distance to advance to The Olympic Games in Beijing this August. However, he may be selected to the South Alabamian Relay Squad without qualifying.
Petey Bortitz, spokesman for the CAS - The Ass-Kicking world's most powerful tribunal - cited "a lack of precedent" as the reason for overturning the IAAF's decision. "After complete and careful review of Mr. Pistovfatus' case and many others similar to it, this Council finds no cause to bar Oliver Pistovfatus from competition at any level. We have exhausted all of our available resources and have determined that there is simply no rule against a no-legged man in an Ass-Kicking contest."