UnNews:Dope on a Rope invention called "promising"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Truth doesn't "live here" — It's just camping out|
19 February 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
BOSTON, MA - Spider-man and Batman may not need Dope on A Rope, but the invention, which allows users to ascend the side of a building at the dizzying speed of 10 feet per second, may be just what police officers, firefighters, soldiers, and would-be superheroes put on their Christmas lists this year.
"It looks promising," Santa Claus said.
Nate Ball, a student at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT), invented the battery-powered, handheld device to save lives, to earn himself an “A” in his physics class, and to “make millions.” He has formed a company, Atlas Shrugs, to market the invention, which, he says, “can turn even the geekiest kid into James Bond.”
Originally, he had intended to call the gadget a Powered Rope Ascender, but “that sounded lame,” he said. Then, his girlfriend, Freda Martin, suggested Dope on a Rope, which was inspired by her “goofy dad’s love of Soap on a Rope.” Anyone who actually bought and used Ball’s invention, Freda’s father said, would surely be certifiable as a “dope on a rope.”
Ball stole his idea from the U. S. Navy, which uses a similar, but much larger, mechanism to raise and lower anchors. The device will retail for about $10,00 each. However, Ball says he doesn’t plan to share his profits with the military. “Screw them,” he declares.
There’s only one drawback for ordinary citizens who want to use the gadget to simulate superheroes’ superpowers: any building on which it is employed must be equipped with preinstalled ropes that are anchored to the side of the building at rooftop level. However, Ball, the ever-inventive entrepreneur, has worked out not one, but two, solutions to this disadvantage. He plans to sell maps that indicate which buildings in various cities have the preinstalled ropes. He also plans to offer the ropes’ installation on the buildings of the customer’s choice. “That will solve the problem,” Ball is confident, “and open the market to every idiot who’s ever read a Marvel, DC, or other superhero comic book.”
Dope on a Rope should be on sale “everywhere” by July 4, 2007, Ball says.