UnNews:Donald Rumsfeld opens pizza parlor
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Donald Rumsfeld opens pizza parlor
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, July 6, 2015, 07:55:UTC)(
28 May 2007
LAS VEGAS, Nevada -- Donald Rumsfeld, former Defense Secretary of the United States, officially opened a pizza parlor earlier this week. Rumsfeld had been unemployed for several months after he quit his job as defense secretary. He briefly worked for room service at a Best Western hotel, but was fired when he "couldn't recall" what the brownish substance was that he had smeared on the toothbrush of a liberal roomgoer.
After having been fired from the room service business, Rumsfeld lived on welfare for several months before deciding to get another job. He originally wanted to drive an Ice Cream truck, but he lost the job to Alberto Gonzalez, who has been job-searching ever since the hearings over his fate began several weeks ago.
So Rumsfeld settled on opening a pizza parlor. After several weeks of financial planning, he purchased a small building in Las Vegas, and the next day he officially opened Donald's Pizza Dump. Rumsfeld rules over his pizza parlor with an iron fist. On the first day of the parlor's opening, somebody stole the parlor's napkin dispenser. He decided that security in the restaurant needed to be tightened so such an incident would never happen again.
So today, every customer who enters the pizza parlor is subjected to a full-body search, including a metal detector and an anal probe. After that, they are subjected to a thourough background check, in which one of the pizza parlor's hired security guards searches the customer's wallet and/or purse. If Rumsfeld determines that the customer may pose a threat to his restaurant, he may lock them in the basement of his parlor.
If a customer does pass the rigorous tests they must face if they are to enter the restaurant, they are taken to a table. Their orders are entered into a database, and analyzed to determine how likely it is that that particular person might steal something from the restaurant. Most of the dining tables contain hidden microphones, and several customers have reported that Rumsfeld was hiding under their table, listening to their conversations all through dinner, and taking notes. When the customers asked Rumsfeld what it was he was doing, he reportedly said, "I'm just polishing your shoes!"
The pizza itself varies from person to person. Before serving anybody a pizza, Rumsfeld typically interviews them for between 45 minutes and an hour, usually asking questions along the lines of "Are you a Christian, or are you from one of those religions that are WRONG?" and "Do you support George W. Bush and the war on terror, or are you a filthy America-hating limp-wristed tree-hugging terrorist?" Depending on what responses he gets to these questions, Rumsfeld will react in one of several ways; either he praises the person and gives them a quality pizza, he goes to the dumpster in back of the store and returns with a pizza covered in small insects and worms, or he locks the customer in question in his cellar, as a "suspected napkin-dispenser-thief."
Rumsfeld's employees are all white, and most of them live right next door to the pizza parlor, yet they drive SUVs to work and back every day anyway. All of them are staunch republicans, and they receive wages of up to $100 an hour, except for the black, liberal janitor, who receives a weekly check for $2.50. When the janitor asked him for an increase in wages, Rumsfeld said "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid our business would collapse under the financial strain of paying you so much."
When asked about his radical practices when it comes to the treatment of his customers, Rumsfeld responded, "I don't recall whether these incidents took place or not. However, I freely admit that this is a restaurant, and it has customers."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|